Being a strong, independent person is not nearly as wonderful as people would lead you to believe. For once, I want to just curl up in the corner and whimper while someone else takes care of the hard business of life. I would love to be able to flee the scene when the elephant in the room goes on a rampage and smashes the furniture. But noooo. When times get tough, I square my shoulders and stand my ground. I’ll lasso the beast and clean up the mess. I am self-reliant to a fault. Expecting someone else to show up and rescue me after being sucker-punched by life is just not in my nature.
That being said, I’m always grateful when friends or family tell me that they are here for me and ask me what they can do to help. I just never know what to tell them. If I have to leave town suddenly, I’ll need someone to feed my dogs. Other than that, I don’t know what anyone else could do.
“I’m here if you need to talk,” someone will say. Well, that’s awesome, it really is. But, I don’t like to talk, not until the situation is well over and handled, that is. Talking before I have all the facts leads to speculation and speculation just smacks of drama to me and I HATE drama. Why would I call you while I’m in the hospital, tubes attached everywhere and the doctors are still running tests? “Oh, hi! I’m in the hospital and they don’t know what’s wrong, but I just wanted to give you a call so you can worry your ass off and feel helpless. Okay, bye!” Yeah. I don’t think so. I won’t call until after I am home from the hospital because then will have a full story – beginning, middle and end. Hell, if I can make it funny, I might even just blog about it first so I can avoid the phone call altogether. Is that wrong?
I realize that I am way too comfortable being by myself. I was a latch-key kid and had a lot of alone time as a child. It never bothered me. I could watch what I wanted on television, eat a bowl of cereal and all around enjoy having no one around to tell me what to do. Even now, if my husband has to work late, I don’t mind so much. I’ll read a book or work on a writing project (and probably eat a bowl of cereal). Things I don’t like to do when he’s home because they take time away from us being together.
If I weren’t married, I could easily see myself turning into a hermit. My sister would eventually have to break into my house, pry my laptop from my hands and drag my colorless body outside while I hiss at the sun like some cave animal. Later, I would thank her for it because I’d remember that I do enjoy being around people. People are fun! Hearing real, live laughter is much better than a “LOL” any day.
I guess I just need to get in the habit of not only laughing with other people, but crying with them, too. I would do anything, absolutely anything to help any of my friends or family during a difficult time and I hope they know that. However, I need to learn to trust them to help me, too.
Ick. Self-improvement is so hard and messy. Dealing with a crisis situation is much easier.
okay, i’m not exactly sure what’s going on, but I gotta tell you, crawling up into a little ball in a corner somewhere ain’t always that bad. throw some depressing music on, lock yourself away in a dark room, and be a wimp. hell, if I could have sarah mclachlan booming 24/7, i’d never leave that dark corner.
oops, i mean 
Oh, lord! Sarah McLachlan! All those ASPCA commercials made her songs even more depressing to me than they already were. Believe me, I have my “ball in a corner” moments, but I snap out of it pretty quick.
Amy,
You are far and away one of the most capable, intelligent and calm people I know. However, I do agree with the letting people help or assist. It makes us feel better, I don’t know why..perhaps it’s the shared trust and baring of one’s soul.. which I whole heartedly agree is just down right uncomfortable. With that being said…I will be there for you if you ever need a shoulder or ear, in fact I would consider it an honor. But I will understand if it’s hard and try to be considerate of your feelings.
Aw, thanks, Tina. I know you are there for me if/when I need it.
So much for “Just call and if there’s anything I can do….”
6 little baby heart attacks March 2006 and triple by-pass.
Anything , huh?
Need a ride to doctor Tuesday. ” Well can’t help there because Tuesday….”
Need quick trip to Walgreens for these 14 types of new pills I need. “Can’t do that. Jeff gone three days to Watchapoolacolopsa Park and other car in shop…”
Can you just help me to the corner for a couple of cans of soup and box cereal for this week’s food supply? “Ooops
someone’s at the door . Tata…”
And then the therapists says “You would not have had to try to inconvenience all these people if you had been prepared and gotten all those things prior to having your heart attacks. Then I had a stroke.
It’s your fault that you weren’t prepared prior to your heart attacks? I think I’d get a new therapist. If you are even in the Athens, GA area and need a ride to Walgreens, look me up.
I so relate to this – letting people help me and not feeling guilty about it is the hardest thing I have EVER had to do… and I am still struggling with it. Having Ben has really open my eyes to the fact that I CAN’T do everything and that if the end result is the same, does it really matter how it was done by someone else? Now, you know I have to say it – call me if you need me :0)
That is part of it – you do it yourself cause you know it will get done right! Yes, other people are not complete idiots and can manage to help out without screwing up too badly (even our husbands!).
I know you are always there for me. Goes without saying. And me for you, too!
Was always a DIY person until about seven years ago. Still don’t pull the “help” trigger until necessary but it is a good thing to send up a flare and always a comfort when someone shows up to help – in whatever form. Can be a really good hermit for a bit but find my mood brightens immediately when around the living.
One good thing about being a “DIY” person as you call it, is that when you do reach out for help, people know you are really serious.
I wish I was more self reliant and non cornerish
I find that over the past couple of years I’ve misplaced my ability to take care of myself. I’ve forgotten that I’m capable and kick ass. I really like enjoy your blog and your writing.
Thank you for your nice comment! I hope you get your self-confidence back soon.
Beautifully expressed, as always.
I’m the one who really mothers everyone around here. Dave has pretty much had a nervous breakdown since his Mum died (over 18 months ago), Brandon is at that difficult mid-teen stage. I left lots of people behind when I moved North and I don’t really want to keep in touch, except with my older sons (who are both angry at me for running off with Dave). So all in all, I mother people around me and have absolutely nobody to support me. My Mum is useless at anything that isn’t about her, so I can’t even call her.
Like you, I treasure my moments alone. And now, I’ve started going to Church – where I can “ask” for support and spend uninterrupted time being recharged. I never thought I’d say this but Church HAS really helped.
Once you start taking care of everyone else, it becomes very hard to stop. You feel a responsibility to not let things fall apart. It’s great that you found a place to recharge (even if it’s where you least expected). It’s important to remember to take care of yourself as well.
I was an only child raised by a single mother. So while I’ve always been a man’s sorta man (although the women, they love me…hehe) I will not hesitate to ask for, even beg for help when I can’t do anything. Luckily my wife is very patient and good at both dealing with online booking of flights and hotels and changing tires!
In my experience, most men with a strong female influence in their lives, grow up with a certain amount of dependence and a love of being “babied.”
I can change a tire with pit-crew skill and speed. But, if my husband is there, I let him do it. I’m girly like that.
Being hungry and having someone fix you a meal, being too tired to clean up and someone does it for you, feeling old and tattered and someone tells you how beautiful you are, feeling overwhelmed and someone picks up the loose ends…never had it. Didn’t know how to ask for it. Now I have someone that is there for me and I can ask and I am so thankful. Take care of yourself, kiddo; but don’t be afraid to ask, we’re here.