diagram of an evening

I have a pain in my ass.  No.  Seriously.

My back no longer hurts me thanks to my wonderful chiropractor, but now I have a new issue – nerve pain.  Apparently a wonky disk in my back is pinching a nerve which causes shooting pains in my ass and all down the back of my right leg.  I believe it’s what the old folks refer to as “sciatica.”  I’m not an old folk, so I call it nerve pain.  It hurts when I sit, it hurts when I stand, it hurts when I bend over.  I have to sit on my bed to put on my underwear because I can’t raise my leg.  TMI?  Maybe.  But, I am trying to paint a picture here.  It hurts.  Get it?

Until I can get an MRI scheduled so my doctor can see exactly what needs to be done to un-pinch my nerve, I really just have to deal with it.  (cue violins)

Well, on Friday I kinda had enough.  I decided to self-medicate.  After one glass of wine, my pain had diminished greatly and I could walk without limping.  It’s a miracle!  I am healed!  And you know what they say, if one is good then two must be better, right?  I didn’t have anywhere to be and I was home alone (my husband was out helping a friend move – he’s a sucker) so I poured another glass and settled in for the evening. 

That night, settling in involved pulling up Pandora on my netbook and curling up on the couch with a sketch pad and pencil.  I’ve been in a creative slump lately, so I thought a little drawing while listening to music would help grease my creative wheels. 

The next morning, my nerve pain was back in full force, but I barely noticed it because the pounding in my head was much worse.  I shuffled out to the kitchen where I discovered the empty wine bottle and the partially consumed bottle next to it.  Cursing my stupidity, drank some water and pulled on some clothes.  My husband took pity on me and drove me to get some breakfast. 

After returning home, I found my sketches from the night before.  I don’t remember drawing half of what was on the paper, but the doodles are clearly an accurate representation of my deteriorating condition throughout the evening. 

One glass of wine =

Well, hi there cute little robot.  Will you be my friend little robot?  I promise to never get you wet and to keep your operating system updated at all times.  You will be my bestest friend little robot.  

Two glasses of wine =

Okay, I think that first one is a flying happy marshmallow and the second is a flying piece of buttered toast.  Why did I draw flying food?  I have no idea, but I think I was probably getting hungry.  I do remember grabbing a bag of pita chips around this time. 

Three glasses of wine =

I’m pretty sure that’s a jellyfish.  I know that jellyfish don’t have eyes or mouths, but toast doesn’t fly, either.  I don’t think that logic was all that important to me at this point in the evening. 

Four glasses of wine =

Yeah.  Zombie cat from another galaxy, anyone? 

Five + glasses of wine =

Your guess is as good as mine.  Dracula, maybe?  A demon?  A cry for help?

I started with cute little robots and happy, flying food and degenerated into zombie cats and demon-things.  I thought wine was my friend.

My little experiment with drunken drawing was good for taking my mind off my little health issue for one evening.  It remains to be seen if it helped charge my creative mojo.  I did get a blog post out of it, but that’s not saying much.  I wrote a blog post about spell check for cryin’ out loud.  Hopefully, my family will do something crazy over Thanksgiving.

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44 thoughts on “diagram of an evening

  1. I can totally sympathize with the sciatica, but my cure was delivering an almost 9lb baby :) Hopefully they can find your problem soon so you can get some relief. I say stick with the drunk drawing, much safer than drunk dialing and drunk driving (and a lot funnier, too)

  2. The robot needs finger things. You cannot get it to pour the wine or hold a glass without these finger things. Popular Mechanics and Robots: Today, Tomorrow and the Future will help engineering and diagramming these hands. Your sketches look very realistic, esp. the third one down. Looks just like my ex flying away with my wallet(and everything else) in divorce of 1984. In 1968 we used to draw things too after taking these little orange pills from the nice man in the colorful shirt at the park. Once Tito drew a yellow submarine and we got in it and went round and round and round…

  3. That’s awesome! And I mean the sketches NOT the pain in your [points to ass]. You never know your sketches may inspire some short stories later on or be a good writing prompt. Maybe I’m getting cabin fever but I feel a story coming on about a cat dazed and in love with a skunk…oh boy. I need to get out of the house. I hope you get that pain figured out it really sucks to walk around with such discomfort all the time. At least you know something that can temporarily relieve the pain!

  4. I love the three glasses of wine jellyfish. I’m going to say that to my friends from now on: “Let’s get jellyfished.”

    Also, I was wondering something after reading this: “The next morning, my nerve pain was back in full force, but I barely noticed it because the pounding in my head was much worse. I shuffled out to the kitchen where I discovered the empty wine bottle and the partially consumed bottle next to it. Cursing my stupidity, drank some water and pulled on some clothes.”

    Were you naked while you were jellyfished?

    • Okay, continuity police! I wasn’t naked, just in my jammies, which technically, aren’t really clothes. There are too many dogs with cold noses in my house right now to be naked while jellyfished or anything else. Plus, they stare and judge. I know they do.

  5. I always love these kind of progressions into drunkenness postings, they are entertaining as hell. You should really try to get some pain medication for that thing though. You can draw, and write, like a mofo on some Percs…

  6. Robot: Fear of the unknown, MRI (mechnical being) to determine your fate. Flying marshmallow: Your lost youth (note the evil, batlike wings). Flying toast: Your sister’s dog in heaven. Jellyfish: Definitely looks like you as a child, from the back, afer I had put your hair in all those braids, dont know where the helmet with eyes came from. Terrified cat: See the three point stance held up by tail, you are afraid of the outcome, what if you walk with a cane? Last picture: definitely Doug, I haven’t sent him a check lately. I truly hate your pain, look forward to the day it is gone…they can perform miracles these days. In the meantime a) more self medication or b) prescription drugs, c) definitely not both.

    • You crack me up! Those are all very astute observations and quite possibly correct (especially the flying toast – it does have angel wings). I’ve learned that two glasses of wine are enough to alleviate most of the pain, so I’ll probably just stick with that for now. Going to call today to schedule an MRI. Hopefully will be able to get in soon.

    • It doesn’t hurt if I can sit on the couch with my legs under me and it doesn’t hurt when I sleep (which is wonderful). Of course, I gotta make it sound horrible and all drama-like, though!
      Thanks!

  7. holy crap you crack me up! i wouldn’t be able to say my own name after 5 glasses of wine let alone draw a demonic shoney’s big boy. ;) i’m impressed amy. and i hope your ass feels better soon. and if not, maybe you can get one of those balloon pillows to sit on.

  8. Hey, the marshmallow and the helment have the same face. Obviously your brain turned to melted marshmallow. Now that’s the kind of zombie meal I could get into. Just keep em off my sweet potatoes. Happy Thanksgiving to all.

  9. OMG, that is so funny, I can’t stop laughing…

    I also had nerve pain that had me to the doctor the day after thanksgiving getting some hydrocodone and muscle relaxers…the hydrocodone made me sick to my stomache, but the muscle relaxers :) You may want to look into that.

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