Every religion has their quirks.
Catholics have their bloody crucifixes and a flair for the dramatic. Southern Baptists tend to take things a bit too literally and believe alcohol is evil. Hindus have their cows and Buddhists strike a pose.
Seventh Day Adventists are very concerned with what they eat. Or, more specifically, what they won’t eat. Strict SDAs are commonly vegetarian and they also do not ingest alcohol, caffeine or spicy foods such as chili peppers (black pepper is a no-no as well). Dairy products and eggs are also excluded or eaten only in moderation.
So, what do they eat? Well, I’m glad you asked.
It so happens that my grandmother is a SDA. I stole borrowed this church published cookbook while staying in her condo back in September.
Exhibit A
Looks harmless enough. But, let’s take a look inside, shall we?
As expected, I found quite few soy-based recipes and various propaganda regarding the evils of a meat and caffeine laden diet.
Yeah, just try to take coffee away from one of those tottering old people and you'll see how spry they can be.
Then there were some . . . unexpected . . . recipes involving soy.
I don’t know who this Donna person is, but I’d be willing to bet she was born without taste buds. I can’t even begin to imagine what this would taste like, or look like for that matter. What is a #2 can? Do they sell those at Williams-Sonoma? I love how Donna leaves it up to you to decide how much garlic salt to use and the soy sauce adds a nice Asian flair to this peanut buttery, tomato juicy can of despair.
Soy sauce pops up quite a bit in this recipe book.
What the heck did waffles ever do to deserve such a fate as this? Can you imagine how salty this unholy gravy would be? With the briny olives, chicken seasoning, salt and soy sauce, I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it. Then, if the olives are too adventurous for your palate, they suggest substituting them with “scrambled tofu.” So that would be soy milk, soy sauce and tofu – a trifecta of soy.
But, even all that soy sounds perfectly reasonable compared to this next dish.
What the hell is “209″? That’s not a food, that’s a number. And it comes in a can. Maybe it’s a #2 can. Can I substitute two cans of 104.5 if that’s all I got?
Had enough? Well, we’re just getting started, my friends.
Behold!
Can you say “Gluten Roast” without your breakfast trying to crawl back up your throat? If you can, you are made of sterner stuff than I. The only ingredient used more often than soy in this grimoire of ghoulish delights is gluten, which sounds alarmingly like paste, if you ask me. If you don’t want to make your own paste gluten, then you can apparently purchase a product called ”Do-Pep.” I wonder if it is in the same aisle with cans of 209?
Ready for some more words you’ve never heard before? Brace yourself.
What sort of Lovecraftian horrors are Protose and Nutose? It sounds like something created in a dank, basement laboratory by a mad scientist in a dirty lab coat and unruly hair. And what, in the name of all that is pure and good, are they doing to that poor, innocent peanut butter? “Gluten will become stringy (this gives texture).” Have more depressing words ever been penned in a book meant to provide people with nourishment?
What could possibly be next?
Surprise, kids! It’s gluten logs! Kids? Why are you crying?
“Tender Bits” sounds like cat food. Sweet/Sour Cat Food almost sounds more appetizing than this gluten monstrosity. “Skallops” must be like “krab” only sadder.
There’s more. So, so much more. But I’ll spare you the recipes and just let you chew on a few of these names:
Pinto Bean Oat Waffles (refried waffles?)
Prairie “Fish” (quotes not added by me)
Cashew Cream
Cashew Cheese
Cashew Loaf (cashews must be the holiest of all nuts)
Chicken-Style Toast Quickies (gives “quickie” a bad name)
Shamburger (I swear I’m not making this up)
Soybean Sandwich Filling (and yet, my sandwich is still so very empty)
Vegelona Hash (another new word!)
Wheatmeat (hungry yet?)
Peanuteena (soyteena’s younger brother)
Chicken a la Queen (gave the King a wig and size 14 pumps)
Glorified Rice (this is a dessert)
Rice a la Apple (this, too)
Apple Prune Betty (Brown Betty’s irregular Aunt)
You guys had enough? Okay, I’ll stop.
I must emphasize that not all, or even most, Seventh Day Adventists concoct such palate deadening recipes as these in their homes. Most SDAs are super nice, normal people going about their daily business like everyone else. I bet a lot of them have never even heard of Do-Pep or know what 209 is. (Yes, I’m covering my ass so people don’t think I’m a religious bigot, which I’m not.)
And, if any of you out there are brave stupid enough to make and/or consume any of these recipes, please DO NOT let me know. I got enough crazy in my life without having to deal with the likes of you.
I’m speechless! Think I’ll have to share this with the dietitians and food preservation experts I work with–maybe I’ll find out what some of those bizarre ingredients are!
Please do! The SDAs really thought that these recipes were the height of healthful eating. W.K. Kellogg was a SDA, so thanks to them we have corn flakes. That’s sumthin’.
I don’t know what’s worse:
The …um… *interesting* recipes or the fact that they don’t drink coffee!
Can you imagine having to choke down creamed olives on waffles for breakfast without copious amounts of coffee? I’d be wanting Jesus to hurry up and take me!
I had to ask my grandmother what a #2 can was once when I had a recipe from my other grandmother that said “#2 can of peaches”. It’s just the normal size can of stuff you get in the store. The number indicates the size can you are supposed to use. I think. It doesn’t make much sense to me bc I have never seen a recipe call for a #1 or #3 size?? I could be wrong?
Oh and ew. It was too early in the morning for this post! Wtf is 209?? Please research that for me!!
I did Google #2 can and found out that it does refer to the size. Maybe there is no #1 or #3 can for the same reason that we don’t have B cell batteries. It’s a mystery.
I tried to Google 209 with little luck. I’d be willing to bet good money that it’s some type of gluten, though.
I have never thought about B cell batteries… Hmmm that is a mystery!!
Big fat pass. If you find out what 209 is, I’m interested. Long lost cousin of 409?
I think it’s one of those things best left undiscovered.
Maybe it’s 409 cut down with water?
hahaha
Whoever coined ‘surprise logs’ is obviously oblivious to the association between bathroom humor and the word log. That sounds horrible.
Great post, you’ve got me really wondering what a can of 209 would be….
Yeah, I veered away from the other meaning of “log” because this post was horrifying enough without implying that people are eating poo.
Halloween is over, Amy. Please stop with the scary stories. Thank you.
Halloween is never over with me, Lenore!
I’m still laughing at the use of “Whiz” in the first recipe.
I think 209 is like WD-40…or that 409 cleaner. Either way I don’t think you should eat that recipe.
“Whiz” is a very mid-western type word. It made me giggle, too.
I don’t want to eat anything that has a number for a name.
“Surprise Logs” has put me in a state of hysteria. And I misread Vegex (What the heck?) as Vagex, assuming it was some sort of antidote-ingredient to counteract the raging yeast infection you get from eating Gluten Roast. I’ll bet Thanksgiving at Grandma’s must have been a trip down the rabbit hole for you as a kid! Great post- I’ll be laughing all day!
“some sort of antidote-ingredient to counteract the raging yeast infection you get from eating Gluten Roast” – Hahahaha!!!
My grandma never made gluten roast or anything else of the sort. I am sure she purchased this cookbook because the church was selling it for a fund-raiser. Grandma is charitable, not crazy.
I knew there was a reason I would only consider joining the Two Day Adventists!
Yeah, they are a lot less picky and coffee is a necessity.
You know what, I’m suddenly okay with all the Southern Baptist ugly judging of my Baby Mama lifestyle. At least I can go home and eat some BBQ after church. Off to get my 4th cup of coffee this morning. I should be old, senile, and tottering by lunchtime!
Coffee does help you deal with judgemental fundamentalists.
Okay, I’m going to quit throwing up in my mouth a little and just move to the toilet so I can get if over with. Creamed olives on waffles? I can’t even being to imagine how hideou *urp* RUNNING FOR THE TOILET!!!
Sorry. I hope you can laugh at this one day. Maybe after you get your appetite back.
Hard to believe that recipes from an old SDA cookbook could be more nausea-inducing than gazing on zombie carnage, but there you have it. The proof is in the soyteena.
“The proof is in the soyteena.” – Hahahaha!!!
I’m with Jeanne. It’s the Creamed Olives on Waffles that is getting to me. Reaching for emergency bottle of Pepto to calm quesy stomach. You just know that if you ate any of these mystery foods, you’d end up with Surprise Logs of Doom.
Can you imagine how bound-up you’d be from eating all that gluten?
“Surprise Logs of Doom” – Ha!
BTW, is the cookbook title: To Serve Man?
My personal favorite of all the Twilight Zone episodes.
Very happy that someone (other than my mother) recognized that reference.
One of my faves, as well. In fact, I did a post about it in the olden days… http://wp.me/p18cBy-cW
Q: “Can you say “Gluten Roast” without your breakfast trying to crawl back up your throat?”
A: No. I cannot.
Good to know I’m not alone!
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I would appreciate it if you could also look into what G. Wash broth is and Accent.
Thank you.
“G. Wash broth” is SDA shorthand for “George Washington Broth” which is just vegetable broth. Nothing sinister about that. And “Accent” is like Mrs. Dash, an all-purpose seasoning.
This post is so educational, isn’t it?
All I can say is, thank God gramma didn’t bring me up on that stuff. The amount of salt in any one of those recipes is scary. Not to mention Accent…pure msg. If you can imagine a SDA with a gluten allergy, or soy allergy, or nut allergy. I guess you’d have to change religions. I’m glad we found the book and that you did get that post out. I knew it would be funny, you couldn’t stop laughing.
It was actually hard coming up with commentary for these recipes because they are just so totally bizarre.
I wonder if any SDAs still eat like this with all the new health info about salt and gluten? If any are alive, that is.
Oh, there is a No. 209 Gin. Top Shelf from Distillery No. 209 in California. Probably not what they were using, but it might improve the recipe.
- or make it easier to puke it up afterwards.
Or, it would give you the courage to actually eat any of this!
I hope nobody ever got confused and thought a senile old person was one of the ingredients. It would be tragic since they don’t eat meat.
IT’S PEOPLE!!!
209 IS PEOPLE!!!1!!
Loved Soylent Green. Loved, even more, Phil Hartman doing Charleton Heston doing Soylent Green.
Oh, yes! Phil Hartman was the best and he did a great Charleton Heston.
Be gentle with the tender bits and the nutose. Don’t be surprised by the surprise log…that’s bound to happen as the body relaxes.
This is the food porn equivalent of a snuff film. ::shudder::
That was kind of crossing a line. My bad.
Just googled “food porn equivalent of a snuff film,” thinking this would be near the top.
It was not.
Well, thank god for small favors!
I haven’t laughed this hard through a blog for a long time, Amy. Your one-liners are priceless.
No wonder women had no time for careers if this is what they were doing!
Loved the interlude in humour. Thanks from another Amy.
Toiling away, boiling #2 cans of gluten all day, was all a woman could hope for.
Glad you thought it was funny and thanks for stopping by!
This post just keeps on giving …. I’m going to have to continue to visit, so I can keep up on the funny conversations that are taking place. This is hilarious stuff here! No SDAs were harmed in the production of the post, right?
By the way, I’m making Surprise Logs tonight. This should teach my husband – once and for all – that I have no business cooking. Hello personal chef!!
I love when comments take on a life beyond that of the post.
Some SDAs may have been insulted, but definitely not harmed.
I hope your marriage can survive a visit from Surprise Logs. They’re like the Spanish Inquisition – no one expects them!
Mmmm. Peanut butter and onion! Think you could dig me up a recipe for ice cream? That would be so lickable…or perhaps criminal. I’ll try and let you know.
Please don’t try it! But, for the love of jesus, if you do try it, DO NOT let me know about it!
That was FUNNY from the beginning to the end!!! Loved your inserted comments! Shamburger? Peanuteena (soyteena’s younger brother) – made me laugh until I cried!!
Those recipes are enough to make people cry in themselves, but I am glad you were crying from laughing.
Thanks!
Rest assured . Ain’t no Italians in that religion.
No self-respecting Italian would sully their kitchen with these abominations.
LOL Just hand over the peanut butter and nobody gets hurt.
It’s terrible to see peanut butter treated so badly.
These people need all kinds of saving.
I am going to make some pork chops right now. For breakfast. Just to get this out of my mind.
Make sure to drink some coffee while you’re at it!
Oh God, I forgot. I am melting, melting. Oh, never mind, they just turned up the burners here in hell.
Yeah, I felt that, too.
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That was harsh. Being an SDA, I do drink cafeine, I do eat meat, and many of these recipe’s actually taste good. I don’t judge or mock other religions (dispite the fact I don’t agree), please don’t mock or judge mine. I was honestly looking for the shamburger recipe and got this.
It’s not my fault that, by some cruel irony, my blog pops up as the first result in a search for “seventh day adventist shamburger recipe.” You should have known after reading the first couple paragraphs that this was not what you were looking for.
I do not apologize for my post. It is my right to mock or judge anyone and anything I wish. Just as it is your right to be offended.
It’s funny, I’ll give you that, I;m just wondering if you spread the same kind of love on other religions, race’s, or sexual orientation? I’m betting the gloves would be off if you had. You’re a funny person. That having been said, the recipe’s we eat now are more mainstream and better accepted. The “meat” certainly doesn’t taste as bad, it’s still not real meat. And why lie, you can’t make coffee out of anything but coffee beans, there is nothing else that will taste that good.
In my defense, I didn’t read your post until I had read the comments, I was truly looking for recipe’s and was only looking at the recipe’s for one in particular. Sorry for being a kill joy, just have learned in my life that my humor can sometimes be hurtful.
My mother’s side of the family are SDAs. I am very familiar with the religion and its particular quirks. I am also aware that most of the recipes in that cookbook have, thankfully, gone by the wayside. SDA approved food was served after my grandmother’s funeral in February and it was good. Not great, but good.
I only mock what I know. I make fun of myself a lot. If I knew anything about, or had extensive experience with, other religions, races, or sexual orientations, I would most likely have something to say and that “something” would probably be sarcastic. It’s just how I roll. Now, if I happened to stumble upon someone else’s blog that I’d never visited before and read something that offended me, I wouldn’t feel compelled to leave a comment stating so. I would move on to another site and look at pictures of kittens or something.
You have nothing to apologize for. Your opinion is your own and is valid. I also now realize that my initial reply to you sounded a lot harsher than I intended. Your comment did not upset me in the least. It’s just interesting to me that you would choose to comment at all.
My sense of humor is not for everyone, I am well aware of that. However, this is MY forum. People come here of their own free will. I would never stand on the steps of a Seventh Day Adventist Church and read this post aloud. That would be me invading THEIR forum and forcing them to hear what I have to say. It’s an important distinction.
Thank you for your comment. Most people when they chose to voice their disapproval are not nearly as polite as you. It’s nice to be able to discuss differing opinions in such a civil manner.