I hardly know where to begin. Usually, one would say, “begin at the beginning,” but I believe the curtain opened on this tale over two years ago. I doubt any of you want to sit through a story that goes on for that long, even if I did provide snacks and potty breaks.
So, I’ll begin at the end, which as we all know is just another beginning.
I quit my job.
Or maybe I was fired. The details are still a bit hazy at this point, but it doesn’t really matter. The bottom line is that I am voluntarily unemployed.
Mentally, I checked out at my job months ago. Day after day, I would sit at my desk and try to will myself to do what I was paid to be doing, but my brain refused to engage. My co-workers would be buzzing around me while I sat there motionless. For eight hours a day, I was an empty husk of a person warming a chair. Work piled up around me and I couldn’t even muster up the energy to care. I do feel bad about that. I know people are cursing my name right now as they clean up the mess I left behind. As much as that pains me to think about, I know that my leaving was the right decision.
I now know perfectly well what people mean when they say, “I hit a wall.” I didn’t just hit it, I ran full throttle into it and was knocked unconscious.
No, that’s not right.
I was knocked fully aware.
I may not know exactly what I am going to do, but I know exactly what I absolutely can not do any longer. That’s half the battle, isn’t it?
Currently, I am vacillating wildly between manic glee and heart-stopping terror. But at least I am feeling something. I was a zombie sitting at a desk for so long that any emotion is welcome at this point.
My plans?
Well, I’ll need to find some source of income seeing as how I was the sole bread-winner in my family (did I fail to mention that my husband is still in school and doesn’t have a job? yeah, that’s where some of the terror I’m feeling is coming from). First and foremost, though, I will write. I will finish my novel. I will see my dream finally actualized (that’s the manic glee part).
Wish me luck?
Thrive! My whole life has been a series of “if” (fill in the blank with a life altering change) “then” (fill in the bank with something truly joyful happened)
Oops, that bank should have been blank, but who knows maybe it’s prophetic.
A perfect slip!
Ha! Yes, that was perfect. I know that good things will come of this.
I would like to publish a book too. But I don’t write material that most people would read.
I think the question is, how many rejection letters should I tolerate before I just stick it on the web as an ebook and go back to writing. Let’s face it, half the work in being a successful writer has nothing to do with writing. I’m not sure what that comprises that half, but I suspect a healthy amount of luck is involved. In that regard, I wish you luck.
I’ve read that C.S. Lewis was rejected over 800 times before he sold his first story. So, how many rejections you should tolerate is entirely up to you. But, yes, there is a lot of work do be done that has nothing to do with writing. It’s unfortunate but true. I can’t even think about publishing right now. Just finishing my novel will be the biggest step. Thank you!
Well Amy as someone who has seen the bottom of the bucket myself (my eyeballs left skidmarks on it), I can encourage your choice of action. Life only swings by once and you were not designed to sit like a somnambulist at an office desk letting that cool mind waste away. Try not to frame the question as What now should I do? Instead ask yourself: How shall I do what I do next? It’s all about attitude now and the world bows down to the right one. Kick some new doors open and enjoy your freedom.
I know you’ve been there, Doug, so your words are very encouraging to me. I have to say, that my attitude so far today (since I didn’t have to clock in at that soul squelching job) has been positive, upbeat, and completely excited for the future. If I can keep that up, I think I will be fine. Thank you!
Doug, thank you for that. I think I’ll print it out and stick it on my bathroom mmirror. Inspiring. “How shall I do what I do next?” Indeed. Bravo.
That one’s on the house Mom.
Good for you, Amy. Ride through the mania, and coast through the fear. I did something similar shortly after giving birth to my first kid. I let go, and I did not have a safety net set up to catch me. But, I knew I had to let go if I was going to find sanity. I took a leap of faith, literally. It was the best decision in my life.
You will find something to bring in the necessary funds, and you will finish your novel. How do I know this? Because you’ve finally taken the first step, which is always the scariest step of all.
You hardly ever hear of leaps of faith that ended up with a splat on the sidewalk. I think that most leaps are made out of necessity and no matter what happens, it will be better than standing still.
Thank you!
After a while, the mind-numbing terror will ease. I’ve been there, done that. It will turn out to be the best decision you’ve ever made. You’ll see. In the meantime, keep writing. Spew it all out over those digital pages. We’re here to clean up the mess and to stand in line (virtually speaking) when your book hits the stand.
I am already certain that it was the best decision I’ve ever made. And I am oh so ready to spew!
Thank you!
I envy and applaud your decision, while at the same time I am having sympathy terror pains. My need for security is something that would never let me take that leap.
I so, so wish great things for you, Amy. With all your talent it would be a shame if you didn’t spread your wings and write, write, WRITE!
I loved the security, but ultimately it wasn’t worth the cost of my sanity. I am determined to make the best of it. Thank you!
I am going to be utterly honest here and say that I am scared as hell for you. It’s a big step, and when I read it, I had pegoleg’s sympathy terror pains, too. It doesn’t help that I’m reading Jon Acuff’s book Quitter, in which the first chapter lists all the reasons why you shouldn’t quit. However…
I have a tremendous faith in your talent. Tremendous faith. Big. I am scared for you because of the money, and only the money. All the rest of it will fall into place. And honestly, the money will, too. And it does you harm to be in a soul-sucking job environment, that you only show up to for the money. Soul or money – you gotta choose soul every time.
I believe it will be hard work, but to achieve our dreams takes hard work and dedication. You took a leap of faith, and you’ll land on your feet. And everything will be fine.
Definitely gotta choose your soul! What good is money if you are dead inside? Luckily I’ve got family who have offered to help me out. They believe in my decision and that makes me feel good about my decision, too.
Thank you!
Sounds like it was time! You can’t do what doesnt make you happy.
Or, at least, you can’t do it for very long. Twelve years was long enough!
I know you made the right choice! I am so proud of you!! Guess its time for a cocktail or two, my treat : )
xoxo Tina
Thank you, Tina! Yes, I believe a cocktail is in order (especially if you’re paying!).
Ahhh — now I get it. I have found when I’ve agonized about a decision — and then finally made it — I get a big flood of relief that is nearly palpable. It’s like a weight being lifted.
The day after I quit, I felt lighter than I had in ages. Floating on air, even. I know I’ll regret many things in my life, but I’ll never regret this.
I have never regretted taking a risk on something new.
Wow. Although scary, it’s cool because now you can head in some many different directions. Good luck!
Scary and cool pretty much sums it up. I’m looking forward to what comes next. Thank you!!
I know the “I just can’t do this anymore” feeling. Unfortunately I was still saying it in my 34th year. The best thing that happened to me in 2006 was half a dozen little baby heart attacks and I packed it in. Fortunately I have Florida pension and social security so I am just fine financially. Excepts when my kids call and begin with “Hi dad. How are you feeling?” I’m feeling for my wallet as soon as the phone rings.
I was at that job for almost 13 years, and I know if I stayed I would have sacrificed my health (either mental or physical). And my mom got that “how are you feeling?” phone call from me! Thanks to her, I could afford to be unemployed.
Good Luck Amy! And although it may seem silly to say, I believe that by leaving your job, you put a message out to the universe that you know there is something better out there for you. Scary though it may be, I think that kind of ballsiness is worth rewarding and I’m betting the universe will agree
.
I don’t think that is silly to say at all because that is kinda how I feel about it, too. Anything will be a reward compared to what I was doing. Thank you!!