What better way to get back into the blogging groove than to do a post about the crazy Google search terms that led people to my blog. Besides, I promised a Summer 2012 edition of “This is Not the Blog You’re Looking For” last winter and, because I forgot to cross my fingers behind my back when making said promise, I gotta deliver. (won’t be making that mistake again)
Let’s start out with these very specific searches:
picture of a gnu
drawing of toast
weasel drawings
how to draw a marshmallow
I have actually featured each of these items on my blog in the past. I’m nothing if not . . . eclectic.
Unfortunately, I have had the following on my blog as well:
beaver porn images
safe word
Yeah, it’s not what you’re thinking. Or, ya know, maybe it is. I stopped trying to figure you guys out a long time ago.
Next on the menu is:
protose
adventist shamburger recipe
seventh day adventist recipes mockfish
Thanks to my Pulitzer nominated post, “its a cookbook! a cookbook!,” if you Google “seventh day adventist shamburger recipe” my blog is the first search result. Which is hi-larious until the day some poor soul who actually wanted a recipe for shamburgers stumbled unawares into my web of sarcasm. You will see from our comment exchange that I handled it in the manner of a responsible adult, which I can quite convincingly pretend to be. (not today, however)
Then, as always, there is the random, mixed-bag of search terms that inspired the title to this blog series:
yes bitch i drank all the wine – Hey, can we hang out?
i cannot whore myself to you – That’s okay cause I wasn’t going to pay you anyway.
love poems to your dead grandparents – Well, I guess that’s better than the dirty limericks you wrote when my cousin was in a coma.
beagle tilt – Is that anything like cow tipping?
glue to make red solo cup wine glasses – Use whatever glue you aren’t sniffing at the moment.
steampunk nazi ninja – Oh, Internet, don’t ever change.
can a guy pull off dressing like princess leia – The Rebel Alliance is quite open-minded about these things.
peanut butter digital artwork – Sorry, I like my peanut butter analog. I’m old-school that way.
i’ll pack my bags but if you end up hurting me, breaking my heart, or if i find out stuff that hurts me i might kill myself. i have a lot of love to give but i am a fragile person that is easily destroyed – Huh? You’re still here? I totally stopped listening after “I’ll pack my bags.”
Seems we share some readers Amy, although I don’t see “albino midget porn” on your list of search terms and it’s frequently on mine. Something to think about…
Well, that’s something for me to aspire to, Doug. One day . . .
I don’t know which is more unnerving; the fact someone is actually searching for these things or that you have already written about them. I’m so glad you’re back, I’ve missed your sense of humor brightening my day.
Oh, sorry Doug since Amy’s nno longer has a paying job I’m sending her your check. I guess she can forge your name.
Completely understandable under the circumstances. Yes please send my wine money to her.
PS I’m having trouble with your site. when I type more than two lines it sometimes has the fill in the details part cover up what I’m typing. just so you know. Like right now I’m typing under fill in the details below.
PSS Is that a subtle way of shutting me up?
Mother, I can’t bluntly get you to shut up, so why would I try subtlety?
Love you!
Have you tried turning your computer off and on again? That’s what IT always had me do first. Otherwise, I have no idea what the problem is.
I have that problem on several blogs – the comment box doesn’t expand when one gets a tad, shall we say, verbose. Don’t know why…I’m going on and on to see if it happens here, Amy. Nope – box keeps expanding so I could just type away, on and on and on and…
It’s good to know that everyone isn’t having that problem here. It may be a WordPress compatibility issue with whatever browser you are using. Or gremlins. Probably gremlins.
I’m glad to know you got “beaver porn images.”
“Elephants shitting” is still high on my list.
We’re animal friendly around here!
If it wasn’t for safe…sorry. I mean SEARCH words, we’d miss out on some snort-worthy writing. And again my coffee is in my lap. Welcome back to more full-time blogging! Right?
Without a safe word, you’d miss out on some stuff, too. I don’t know about “full-time” but I’ll definitely be blogging more frequently. I got time, that’s for sure!
“oh Internet, don’t ever change” Best reply ever.
What more could be said in response to that really?
“I cannot whore myself to you”?
Since when do people google their own moral positions/career choices?
It appears that people will google any little thing that pops into their deranged minds. And I thank them for it.
I need to find this quasi futuristic flowing robe-thingy in a large…
it so like… totally brings out the color in my light-saber.
Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi…
you’re my only hope…
Sorry, we only have X-small.
Now, that’s a visual, right there.
Your sneaky Jedi tricks won’t work on me, mister.
You led me on with a promise of beaver porn images. Where are they?
Sorry for the bait and switch. The image in question is buried in my Retro Fun page. And if you find it you’ll probably be disappointed once again. Such is life.