they’re coming to get you, Barbara!

I am often asked, “What is your favorite horror movie?”

That is not an easy question for me to answer. I don’t have just one, all-time favorite. I have several very different movies that I love for several very different reasons.  Here they are in no particular order.

THE EVIL DEAD
This movie is not for everyone.
I feel the need for this disclaimer because the last time I professed my love for this movie my mom watched it.  Afterwards, she called and asked what in the hell was wrong with me.  For the first time since high school, I think she wondered if I was on drugs.
The Evil Dead is like an oozing, puss-filled, festering wound being picked at by a dirty ragged fingernail.  It’s beyond gross, but it is also genuinely scary and at the same time over-the-top campy and just a ton of fun.  Sam Raimi (who would later go on to direct Spiderman) made this movie on a shoestring budget with a bunch of friends.  In it, five friends travel to a remote cabin in the woods where they unwittingly release unspeakable evil lurking in the woods after playing a taped translation of an anchient text, The Necronomicon.  One by one, the campers are possessed by the evil and it is up to Ash, played by Bruce Campbell and his chin, to dispatch them and return the evil where it belongs.  That is a very sensible synopsis of a movie that gleefully makes little sense.  I can’t help but love it.

THE EXORCIST
Where The Evil Dead is a bludgeon, The Exorcist is a scalpel.  Yes there is some blood and buckets of regurgitated pea soup (not to mention the very unorthodox use of a crucifix), but the movie also relies heavily on pacing and tension.
We all know the basic story, right?  The 12 year old daughter of an actress is possessed by a demon (Pazuzu was his name-o) and two priests (the younger one struggling with a crisis of faith) are called in to perform an exorcism.  Curse-laden, head-spinning hi-jinks ensue.
I love The Exorcist because it was the first movie that actually frightened me.  I’ve seen it at least a dozen times and the scene where possessed Regan does that upside down spider-crawl thing down the stairs never fails to run a shiver down my spine (this scene was cut from the original version and can only be seen on the re-release).  There is a reason why The Exorcist has been called the most terrifying movie ever made.  I don’t recommend this movie for everyone, either, but for very different reasons than The Evil Dead.  If you don’t like being scared, do not watch this movie.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
The grandfather of the modern zombie movie.
Before 1968, zombies were corpses brought to life by a sorcerer to do his/her bidding.  The zombie myth has roots in West African religions and Haitian voodoo culture.  George Romero created a new type of zombie in Night of the Living Dead.  They are still reanimated corpses, but they are not under anyone’s control.  They are feral, roaming creatures with a hunger for human flesh.
The story is simple:  A group of people barricade themselves inside a farmhouse while hordes of zombies, possibly created by radiation from a falling satellite, stumble about outside.  The hero of the movie is a black man named Ben.  He is the only one who seems to have his shit together while everyone else is either catatonic or freaking out.  The only thing more chilling than the zombies is the social commentary that weaves it’s way through the movie and gets you like a shotgun blast to the gut at the end.  Seriously, if the ending doesn’t knock the wind out of you then you are probably one of the undead and got bigger things to worry about than analyzing horror movies.
Unlike The Evil Dead and The Exorcist, I would recommend this movie to anyone.

So, those are my big three.  What’s your favorite horror movie?

if Monty Python was created by gearheads

I have a confession to make.  I very much like (dare I say love?) a television show that is all about cars.  I am not a car person.  All I care about is that it looks like it won’t fall apart and gets me to where I want to go every time I want to go there.  But I guess that’s why this show appeals to me.  The subject matter doesn’t get bogged down with talk of cam shafts, gear ratios or foot pounds of torque.  All the show really focuses on is how cool the car is, how pretty it looks and how fast it goes.  Oh, and did I mention it is funny?  And British?  They could talk about knee replacement surgery for an hour and make me laugh.

The show is Top Gear and it airs on BBC America (click here for link to their website). 

Want to know which is faster, a Bugatti or a jet fighter?  They race them.

Want to know which used car under $3,000 will get you across Botswana?  They purchase three and race them across the country.

Want to see a soccer match between five VW Foxes and five Toyota Aygos?  They do it with a giant soccer ball.

Can a Range Rover Sport outrun a tank?  Watch and find out!

They race cars against unlikely competition such as a speed skater, a greyhound and a canoe.

Its madness, its ridiculous and its wonderful!!  They are overgrown boys in overpriced toys, and they know it!  I highly recommend this show to anyone with a sense of humor who can understand people talking with British accents. 

And, because of this show, I now know what car I would purchase if I fell into an ass-load of money.  The Weissman Roadster.  Mmmmmm, Roadster.

it’s over!

No more campaign ads, no more robo-calls, no more predictions.  The country has chosen and we can all move forward.  Palin can go home to Alaska and hibernate and McCain can continue dehydrating himself in Arizona.  Obama can start preparing to move into the White House, where I’m sure he will feel quite at home since it is in a mostly black neighborhood.  And I can stop pretending that I know anything about politics.  Yeah!

votetastic

I voted on Friday (in my halloween costume – the poll worker did a double take when she saw that my Foree Electric name tag said Shaun, but my drivers license said Amy).  I waited for about two hours to perform my constitutional right, and it was worth it.  Because for one, I won’t have to wait in line five hours today and two, I now have the right to bitch about the government (if you didn’t vote – you can’t bitch, sorry). 

Here is a great article from The New Yorker about how voting has changed in our country.  If you knew that your life could be threatened if you went to the polls, would you still vote?

It was refreshing to have the option of not voting for an old white guy this year.  Will voting for a black man give me some street cred?  Will having a black President finally make the world see us as something other than a bunch of blow-hard cowboys?  I hope so. 

What about if we had a woman Vice Prez, you might ask?  Well, I don’t think Sarah Palin is actually a woman, so she doesn’t count.  I think the GOP shaved a bear and put it in a suit and heels.  When she talks all I hear is growling and gnashing of teeth and I want to curl up in the fetal position and play dead.

costume? or an excuse to wear underwear in public?

I only have two rules when it comes to Halloween costumes. 

#1: Be creative or funny or awesome.  Or all three like this guy . . .

(FYI: that is the powerloader that Ripley used to battle the alien queen in Aliens.  Badass!!!!)

#2: Don’t be a cliche.

 

Some of the cheapest costumes are the best.  One year we spent $10 for a wheelchair rental and a Hustler magazine and my husband went as Larry Flint (incidentally, that was the second year that we had to buy a nudie mag to complete my husband’s costume – the first time was when we went as Al and Peg Bundy). 

Ladies, don’t cop out and just dress as a “sexy” version of something.  It’s embarrassing. 

Possible exception . . . Sexy, rotting, flesh-eating zombie.  It is a fact that zombies have only one thing on their minds (brains!) and can’t be bothered to worry about clothing.  I’ve seen more than one half-naked female zombie portrayed in movies and wondered how many teen boys were conflicted by the image. 

I think that a clever costume this year would be a Predatory Lender.  Get a Predator mask and wear a suit.  Viola!  If you could perfect the Predator’s laugh (you know, right before he blew himself up) that would be a plus.

halloween dos & don’ts

Do have a theme:

 Don’t offend your neighbors:

When is a lynching an appropriate decoration?  The answer would be NEVER!

 

Do have fun:

Don’t go overboard:

Was there a closeout sale at the Tacky Inflatable Decorating Imporium?

 

Do get creative with your pumpkin carving:

Don’t puss out and just paint your pumpkins:

If your mommy won’t let you play with knives, then get a grown-up to help you.

 

Don’t be clueless as to what you are trying to copy actually looks like:

I think those are supposed to be spider webs, but it looks like snow or an unfortunate cotton candy accident.  

Don’t confuse Christmas with Halloween:

Seriously?  A Halloween tree!?

Don’t fly a cute flag:

Just don’t:

Aw, what the hell is this!?:

 No, no, no!! 

I can’t stand when people confuse Halloween decorations with Fall/Harvest decorations.  It’s either one or the other, people!  There is nothing scary about flowerpots!  Boo, my ass!  The pumpkin isn’t even carved!  Sheesh!

Here endeth the lesson. 

skull and rosary

Me being me, I have decorated my car for Halloween with window gel clings.  However, now I’m wondering if the decoration clashes with my Franciscan rosary. 

I know that people will look at my car and assume all sorts of things, but they would all probably be wrong.  I am neither Catholic or Goth, although I am well-versed in guilt and appreciate the subtleties of black eyeliner.  I am not trying to be ironic or make any kind of statement. 

But, why do I care what people think, anyway?? 

I find that as I get older I am starting to care more and more.  Not that I care about making a good impression so everyone will like me, I care about making an accurate impression so if someone doesn’t like me they will for the right reasons.  I guess because I am misunderstood so often lately I have become more conscious about how I present myself.  However, presenting myself accurately can be a challenge.  The corporate, smiling, insurance agent person I am expected to be at work clashes with the sarcastic, I-don’t-give-a-damn-about-insurance person that I am whenever I am not at work.  I want to be helpful, but I don’t want to (and will not) kiss anyone’s ass.  I will work hard and be a team player, but will not accept being taken advantage of. 

So, the skull and rosary really do accurately reflect who I am, but the people who would appreciate that are the ones that already know me well. 

Halloween probably isn’t the best time to contimplate such an existential dilemma.  I should be worrying about a costume, a fake representation of myself, not what I project normally. 

Or, is what I wear every day the real costume? 

Ha!!  Sorry, couldn’t keep a straight face after that one!! 

Enough with the psychobabble.  I like skulls and rosaries.  The end.

i knew i felt something

 

via toothpastefordinner’s sister site superpoop

voodoo

Voodoo priestess says Cobb official bounced checks

MARIETTA, Ga. — A voodoo priestess told police a commissioner trying to get even with her political rival wrote the priestess bad checks.

George Ann Mills, a high priestess in Blythewood, S.C., told Cobb County Police that Cobb Commissioner Annette Kesting wrote her $3,000 in bad checks.

A police reports says the commissioner wanted commissioner-elect Woody Thompson to “catch cancer” to “have a car accident.”

Kesting paid Mills a $2,000 check for the ritual on Aug. 27 and postdated a $1,000 check for Sept. 11. Both checks bounced. The report said Kesting paid cash to make up for the first bounced check.

Kesting defeated Thompson, a two-term Republican incumbent in the 2004 general election to become Cobb County’s first black commissioner.

The Georgia Bureau of Investigation is investigating.

The Associated Press

 

It is so rare to come across an AP article that involves voodoo and this one is woefully short.  I’m left wanting more information.  I have questions that beg answers:

#1: If you are a voodoo priestess would you ask the police to help solve your problem or would you deal with it in your own voodoo-y priestess-y way?  I guess kudos are in order to her for not abusing her power and trying to resolve the issue legally. 

#2: If you go to a voodoo priestess, it is assumed that you believe in the service you are seeking.  So, if you believe that this woman can really curse someone, why on god’s green earth would you write her not one, but two bad checks?  You are just asking to “catch cancer.” 

C: If I were a voodoo priestess paid to perform rituals where the intent is for something unsavory to happen to another, I would not want a paper trail for the transaction.  Cash only, please. 

IV: Is there an implied warranty when it comes to voodoo priestess rituals?  In this case, the priestess can say she delivered a service in that Commissioner Kesting did win the election.  Even if her rival didn’t get an incurable disease or have an accident, the intended outcome (ie. winning the election) did come to pass. 
However, what if the commissioner didn’t win?  Would the priestess even be entitled to payment? 

If you are the GBI agent assigned to this case (especially if you have a “I Want to Believe” poster in your cube) please give me a call to discuss your findings.   Thanks!

and counting . . .

Today makes five weeks since the Producer I work with has said anything to me in person.  Five weeks, and not one word face to face.  She has only communicated with me via email.  I actually said “hi” to her twice in passing (once in the break-room and once in the bathroom) but I received no reply. 

This whole situation is actually quite amusing to me now.  I wonder how long the silence will last?  What will have to happen before she will utter a word in my direction?  If the building caught on fire and she became trapped under buring rubble and I were the only one around to save her, would she call out for my help?  Or would she just let herself burn to death?  I would try to save her if she asked or not.  I, however, would not accept a “thank you” via email.