20 questions

I love talking about myself. 
No. It’s true.
That said, when the lovely and talented Blogdramedy opened her blog up to folks who were willing to answer her 20 Questions, I jumped at the opportunity.
Okay, I didn’t jump. But I did set down my glass of wine long enough to dash out an email to her.

So, if you like me here then you’ll love me over there.

And, I’m still looking for guest bloggers to post here on FIOD. Don’t be shy. I promise I won’t sic my robots on you.

sharing is caring

You guys know this thing I do with the robots, right? And that last year I did the same thing with zombies?

Well, I had a few people tell me that I should contact the “Fold Your Own” calendar people and let them know how I was abusing enjoying their product.  I toyed with the idea for a while, shelved it, pulled it back down and tossed it around, forgot about it, then finally said, “Why the heck not?” (a different four letter word may or may not have replaced “heck”)

So, by the power of the internet (not to be confused with the power of Grayskull) I found a contact email address for the calendar division of Accord Publishing and I sent them an email. Please note how carefully I crafted the text in an effort to not sound like a crazy person or an attention whore (yes, much restraint was shown by me).

Greetings!

Last year, my husband bought me the Fold Your Own Zombie: 2011 Calendar. I loved it even before I removed the protective plastic packaging. Each month, I would assemble a new zombie pal to keep me company at work. I loved it so much, I started looking for a 2012 Fold Your Own calendar in November. I was hoping for more zombies, but was not disappointed when I saw that the new theme was robots. I was also happy to see that your robot designs have just as much character, charm, and attention to detail as their zombie counterparts.

Okay, here’s where it gets a little awkward. See, I had quite a few people tell me that I should contact the maker of the Fold Your Own Calendars.

Why? Well, last year on the first of the month I would post a picture of my freshly assembled zombie along with an original story starring my new undead pal. I started it on a lark, but those posts became quite popular in my little circle. I am continuing the “picture and a story” tradition with the robots, too. I was told that the makers of these calendars may like to know how their product is being used out in the world and that they are bringing joy to (at least a few dozen) people. So, that is the reason for this here email.

If you are interested, you can see all my assembled zombies and read their stories by going here: http://fixitordeal.wordpress.com/zombie-a-month-2011/

And here is the link to the robots: http://fixitordeal.wordpress.com/robot-a-month-2012/

Thank you for giving me something to look forward to every month!

Sincerely,
Amy

I sent it off not really expecting any sort of reply.  Just putting it out there felt kinda good.  I wiped away the proverbial dust from my hands and went about my business.

Well, slap me silly and call me Susan if I didn’t get a response that very same day.

Hi Amy,

Thank you SO much for writing! That is probably the greatest thing I’ve seen in quite a while. I have shared your email with all of our in-house creators. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to hear from someone that is enjoying our calendars. You’ll be happy to know that we are currently working on the 2013 titles: Zombies and Unicorns!

Sincerely,
Andrea Mehlem
Accord Publishing

How rad is that? Did you see the “SO” in all caps for emphasis? And the “greatest thing I’ve seen in quite a while”? I’m going to imagine that Andrea sees all kinds of super-fantasic-great things every day working with “in-house creators” and all, so this is quite a compliment. And ZOMG! Zombies and Unicorns next year!?! I’m gonna have to buy more glue.

The lesson I learned from this: saying something nice is always appreciated. I already knew this, but it’s good to get a reminder every once in a while.

Speaking of reaching out and saying stuff (awkward transition, I know), how would you like the opportunity to say stuff right here on this blog? I am currently accepting applications (or a raised hand, or just a nervous glance in my direction) for guest bloggers.  If you are interested, email me at amy(dot)c(dot)severson(at)gmail(dot)com (I may even tell you what the “C” stands for).

I play pretty fast and loose around here, so I don’t have many restrictions on content. Heck, you don’t even have to have your own blog. This could be a chance for anyone to dip their toes in the blogging hot tub before they drop their towel and slide on in (ohhh yeeeah).

Please don’t let the skeevy metaphor deter you from volunteering.

You can keep your swimsuit on.

just some stuff i did

Hi! How are you? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. You look good. Is that a new haircut? It suits you.

I had all these grand intentions for the new year.  After my brief hiatus at the end of 2011, I was going to come back strong.  Regular posts, thoughtful yet entertaining content, and general awesomeness.  I was also going to make sure that I read every blog that I follow (which is a metric crap-ton, let me tell ya) and leave encouraging, well-thought out comments on each post.  In short, I was going to climb out on the prow of this luxury liner that is blog-land, spread my arms and shout, “I AM KING OF THE WORLD!”

I thought that I heard a humorless laugh, the drum of fingers on a tabletop. But I ignored it.

Big mistake.

That was The Universe, scoffing at my hubris. Right before it punched me in the gut.

Now, this isn’t an excuse (okay, it kinda is), but it is the best explanation I have for my slackassitude.

That’s not to say that I haven’t been doing stuff.  Cause I have.  I can prove it!

For a few months now, I’ve been reading Terribleminds, the blog of author, Chuck Wendig.  I like him.  He’s funny, gives great writing advice and he encourages reader participation on his blog.  In fact, he quoted a comment written by yours truly on one of his posts (it’s at the very end). That was all kinds of cool. (Now, I gotta warn you before you go clicky-clicking over to his site. Chuck has a bit of a potty mouth and by “a bit” I mean Tarantino-esque levels of cursing.  This doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but I know that some are put off by it.)

Anyway, Chuck wrote a book about a woman who can tell how a person is going to die just by touching them.  I haven’t read it, but I’ve heard good things.  As a promotion for the book, he started a tumblr blog called This Is How You Die. He asked people to submit how they hope they are going to die, how they expect to die, or how they are afraid they will die.  Kinda morbid, but right up my alley.

The day before he launched this project, my grandmother died. Because of this, I had a clear picture in my mind of exactly how I DIDN’T want to die. So, I submitted my wish for my death and he posted it. He’s still taking submissions if you’d like to participate.

Also through Chuck’s site, I found out about Bear 71, which is “a documentary and installation about the life and death of a tagged grizzly bear and the surveillance that surrounds this bear. The experience will present at Sundance New Frontier this year — information here.” We were invited to become part of this installation by submitting a three sentence story involving one of eight animals.  Well, I did.  And they posted my story.  And there was much rejoicing (yaaaay).

And, before you start thinking that I’m obsessed with death and dying, I’ve also posted a few new things over on my Retro Fun tumblr blog.

For the past few months, I have also been working as an unpaid intern line editing novels for Musa Publishing. Yeah, whole freakin’ novels. I work 8 hours during the day as a disgruntled insurance agent, then come home and pour through hundreds of electronic pages looking for comma splices and run-on sentences.  It’s challenging work, but it’s also great experience.

Oh, and have the editing I do for my critique group.  And then there is the book I’m trying to write.

So, yeah. I apologize if my blog-life hasn’t been a priority lately.  I’d love to promise that I’ll do better, but I can already hear the dry chuckle of The Universe again.

the requisite the-year-that-was-review post

If you have a WordPress blog, you’ve received a nice email from them detailing how your blog did in 2011 using data compiled by what they call their “stats helper monkeys” (is the ASPCA aware of this?).  The report is animated with fireworks and pretty colors and they basically try to make you feel like your efforts over the past year haven’t all been in vain.  They even give you the option to share this report with your readers.

Yeah.  Nice try.

See, WordPress sent me one of these emails last year with the same option of posting my year-end statistics on my blog.  So I did.

And guess what?  That post received the fewest comments of any post on my blog that year. I’m not making that mistake again.

What I learned from that experience is that focusing on the year-that-was is kinda counter-productive.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of what I posted on my blog last year. Content wise, it was my best year.  I’m also very grateful for every person who took time out of their lives to read and comment (that’s you, by the way).

But I tend to measure my success one day at a time, not year by year.  I’m only as good as my last post and it had a freakin’ zombie killing robot in it so I gotta be on my game.

Dammit.
How can I possibly top a zombie killing robot?
I’m screwed.

aaaaand . . . scene

I think we’ve all had about enough of me for one year, don’t you?
It’s okay.
You can admit it.

So, for the sake of our relationship, I think I need to take a break.
Shh, shhhh.  It’s not you.  It’s me.  Shh.

The break won’t be long.
Just a couple weeks.
On January 1st, I will be back with shiny, new content.
I promise.
Here, have a tissue.

I hope that this absence makes your heart grow fonder.  It would suck if after I come back you are all like, “And who are you, again?”
You’re not that fickle, are you?
I didn’t think so.
That’s why I like you.

I hope you all have a very happy last couple weeks of December doing whatever it is you do during that time of year. Even if it is just rocking slowly in a dark corner while you nurse on a bottle of vodka.  Or, heaven forbid, spending time with your family (that’s a joke, don’t send me letters).

See you next year, everyone!

 

things that make me wonder if i belong on the internet

  • I don’t own any action figures.
  • I don’t own anything owl-related.
  • I don’t know how to knit nor do I want to learn.
  • I still use two spaces after periods.
  • Do I have to watch the video? Can’t I just read an article?
  • I haven’t touched a video game since I was ten.
  • No. I don’t want to see your penis.
  • I don’t own any Legos.
  • Star Wars. I’m over it.
  • I only dress up in costumes on Halloween.
  • No. I’m not showing you my boobs.
  • When I see RPG I think “rocket-propelled grenade.”
  • I don’t know how to use PhotoShop.
  • Why is Batman every-f*cking-where?
  • Yes, it’s a Stormtrooper.  Yay.
  • There are movie-type trailers for video games?
  • Bacon is awesome.  I get it.
  • Seriously, what’s with all the boobs?
  • Have people forgotten how to be entertaining without the use of pictures or cartoons?
  • I don’t think I have ever even touched a comic book.
  • Must every pop culture reference be spliced with every other pop culture reference?
  • No. I don’t want to see a Vulcan Steampunk Female C-3PO riding a Unicorn to Mordor.

How I know that I probably belong on the internet more than I’d like to admit:

  • I have a blog.
  • I superimpose text over old pictures for a laugh.
  • I post said pictures on yet another blog.
  • Going more than an hour without checking twitter makes me anxious.
  • Seeing anything Firefly related makes me squee.
  • I use words like “squee.”
  • Getting sucked into a Wikipedia wormhole is a delightful way to spend an afternoon.
  • Lolcats still make me giggle.
  • I just spent an hour looking at funny pictures of cats.
  • Okay. I kinda want to see that Steampunk C-3PO Unicorn madness.

sharing is caring (and guest blogging)

I mentioned the other day that my friend over at Thoughts Appear’s Blog chose me as her blog wife.
You don’t remember me talking about that?
You were waiting to speak instead of listening again, weren’t you?  I understand.
Well, if you click on these underlined words you can read the post and get all caught up. 
I’m not waiting for you, though.

For those of you still here, I will remind you that as part of my nuptials, I was given the opportunity to do a guest post on Thoughtsy’s blog.  Well, today is the day for that post.  Please go pay her blog a visit and read my homage to my new blog wife
(Can you believe all these guest posts lately?  I kinda feel like a rock star.)

Also, my blog wife let me know that my Pop-Tart wedding ring is in the mail and, unlike the cable company when I tell them the same thing about the check, I believe her.  Can’t wait to model it for all of you!

i have a really good excuse

I’m a bad blogger.  I know.  It’s been over a week since my last post and now, here I am posting a post just for the sake of posting a post.  Pathetic. You, dear reader, deserve better. 

But wait!  Before you go, at least let me tell you why I’ve neglected you.  Please?

First I got sick.  I don’t often get sick, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis I don’t half-ass it.  I go all the way.  Well, this time, luckily, I didn’t need an MRI or an alien-ectomy.  I just needed lots of drugs.  A steroid shot in the arm, a liquid antibiotic that tasted like a melted mint-banana milkshake, a course of regular antibiotics and Tylenol with codeine to top it all off.  All this ammo just to fight a little, throbbing pustule of nastiness that had decided to make my tonsil its home.  Well, he got evicted and now I can swallow without screaming.  Good times.

Then, I got engaged.  Yes, I am already married.  No, I am not a polygamist. 
See, my blogging friend over at Thoughts Appear’s Blog had a list of 30 things she wanted to do before turning 30.  The last item on her list was to get engaged.  Since her boyfriend, Kiefer Sutherland, (that’s his code name - hear that? we’re using code names) is dragging his feet, she asked if anyone would want to marry her blog.  She asked all potential suitors to submit their proposal for marriage in the comments.  And she picked me!  How awesome is that? We’re going to have a zombie wedding where we’ll exchange our Pop-Tart rings.  It’s gonna be magical.  Oh, and I get to guest post on her blog.  Once I come up with something to blog about, that is.  But, she already told me not to hurry ’cause she’s super cool and supportive like that.  Just like a good blog-wife should be.

And, lastly, I got fish.  No, that’s not code for something.  I now own three goldfish.  (No, I don’t have any pictures of them.  They’re goldfish.  Google “goldfish” and that’s what they look like.)  My sister’s best friend, Cresse, and her family are moving three states away and didn’t think the fish would survive the trip.  My sister is already fostering a cat from another friend who moved and didn’t want to add to her collection of wayward animals.  So, I offered to take them.  And the 20 gallon tank they call home.  Relatively speaking, those fish have a bigger house than I do.  We brought them home yesterday and they lived through the night, so today we’ll set up their filter and aeration system and the hood-light.  Then they will probably die cause fish are f*ckers like that.  
Cresse’s daughter had named the fish Daisy, Rosie and Cindy or something.  Only the child knows which fish is which.  So, to alleviate any confusion, we just call them all Steve.  They don’t seem to mind.

 Well, that’s what’s been up with me.  How are you?

 

this is not the blog you’re looking for part 2: the wrath of google

If Hollywood can’t come up with any original ideas, then why should I?  So, here is my equivalent of a summer movie – the sequel to my post of Google search terms that led people to my blog

And yes, that is a Star Wars reference and a Star Trek reference spliced together up there.  Don’t try this level of geekery at home, folks.  I’m what you’d call “an expert.” 

When you look this good, you don't need to have good aim.

Speaking of geekery, how about this search term:
yes just yes stormtrooper
Sounds like someone has a bit of a fetish for the guys in white.  Who am I to judge? (freak!)

And speaking of splicing together pop culture references:
Rebecca Black vs Jason Voorhees
Friday, Friday, gonna get hacked to death with a machete on Friday.  You can file this one under “things I wish I had thought of.”  

my husband hates me
none of my friends really like me
Were these people searching for help or just confirmation for what they already know? 

i’m not prejudiced, i hate everybody equally
Ah.  Confirmation for what they already know.

lol?

invisible rape
No means no, even if you can’t see her say it. 

is ill communication ok for kids?
Yes.  Yes, it is.  Next question.

can google make decisions for me?
I’ve already proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it indeed can.  Also, if you’re strapped for content (cough), it can provide you with grist for numerous blog posts.

goooooogle
Who Googles Google?  And with six o’s? 

stop asking me how to spell stuff
Sounds like Google just became self-aware. 

i’m depressed about being gay
guys who take it up the ass
I wonder if these two searches were by the same person?  I hope so.  Just because you’re depressed about your sexual orientation doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still try to find a date. 

pajama squid cuttlefish skeleton
Meth is a hell of a drug.

this is not the blog you’re looking for

Okay, first thing’s first, this is a “quantity” over “quality” post, I’ll admit that.  But, I’ve been entertained by other blogs that have covered the topic I’m about to delve into, so I figure I’ll give it a go.  If you came here looking for quality then go read one of my “culled” posts.  They can’t all be winners, folks!

So, without further ado, here is my “Google Search Terms That Led People To My Blog” post.

The #1 search term for my blog is (surprise, surprise): retro ads
I’d try to make money off those goofy ads, but I’m fairly certain that I am already violating some type of copyright law just by using them, so profiting from them would probably be mucho illegal.  I’m way too sensitive for prison and face tattoos are not a good look for me.

Another very popular search term is some variation of “the count punching edward cullen.”  It gives me great joy that so many people want to see this and it gives me even greater joy that I am able to give it to them.  Ya know what, I don’t even remember what post this was from and I’m too lazy to go looking for it.  (Told you I’m phoning it in today, guys.)

“Betty Crocker” is also in the top five search terms due to my Mascot Makeovers post. (Click eet, you know you wanna.) 

And of course, “zombie” brings many people shuffling their undead corpses over this way.

That people found my blog through those searches is understandable.  These, however make me wonder if Google is just having a laugh:

“use trow in a sentence” - Trow me the ball! (possibly because of this post)
“a seal walks into a club” - This one makes me laugh every time!
“man in a lion suit spanish children’s show” – If you type this into an image search, my post about slutty Halloween costumes is the third result.  Probably not what they were looking for.
that thing you put up in a tree and hit and theres candy inside” – What is a pinata, Alex?
“bisexual mensa psychobitch” - Omigosh, I wish I’d actually written a post about this!
“thoughts and and amy and blog and love and 2011 and mountain ‘road king’” - I think you’ve had enough coffee, okay? 
“I don’t like being forcibly involved with strangers no” - Neither do I, but that still doesn’t explain how you got here.

I guess I don’t care how people find me as long as they do. 

Pseudo-interesting factoid: if you Google “Mrs. Dahmer” my blog is the third (non-video) result and the very first result in an image search (because of this silly thing).  Yeah.  I guess you gotta take your fame wherever you can get it.