Yesterday, I rushed home after work, turned on the fog machine so it could warm up, fed the dogs and locked them on the back porch so they wouldn’t bark at people, turned on the porch light and waited. It was not quite six o’clock. Okay, probably a little early for trick-or-treaters. It wasn’t even dark enough to light the pumpkins. So, I made myself something to eat to prevent being tempted by the large cauldron of candy I had at the ready by the front door. I lit some candles and turned off the interior lights for ambience and waited. I hit the button for the fog machine a few times and clouded the front porch in fresh fog (we set up the machine on the porch behind a potted plant and ran the cord for the controls inside through the window, this way I could fog unsuspecting goblins without being seen). Then I waited. And waited.
A car pulled up in front of the neighbor’s house, their hazard lights flashing. I saw some small people get out and walk up their driveway. That means I’m next! I straighten my blood splattered lab coat, create more fog and grab the candy cauldron. I hear giggling from outside and I giggle a little inside. I open the door before they have a chance to knock and am greeted by “Trick or Treat!” First in line is Tinkerbell who holds out her bag and smiles shyly. Too cute. I give her some candy. Next, is pint-sized Pimp Daddy complete with zebra trimmed, purple velvet hat. Who makes pimp costumes for children? I ignore the inappropriateness and give him some candy. Finally, there is Army Girl in boots, camouflage pants and ARMY t-shirt. I raise an eyebrow as I drop candy into her bag. She is almost as tall as I am and looks to be at least 15 years old. She has breasts for god’s sake! Once I started wearing a bra, I stopped trick or treating and graduated to Halloween parties. The trio’s mom was waiting on the walkway and reminded them to say “thank you.” I waved and said “Happy Halloween” as they walked back to their waiting car.
It was finally getting dark enough to light the pumpkins. There are four at the beginning of the walkway leading to the front porch, two at the corner where the walkway turned and two on the porch by the steps. I take a moment to admire their glowing visages. They’re alive! Alive! I giggle maniacally as I go back inside. I make some more fog and wait. I eat a fun size Twix and wait.
Unexpectedly, I hear voices at the front porch. I quickly snatch the cauldron and get to the front door just in time to greet them before they knock. It’s a princess and her grandma. Sneaky bitches crossed through the lawn instead of coming down the walk and caught me unawares. Well played, ladies. I dole out the candy and wish them a Happy Halloween. As they leave, back across the lawn the way they came, I pray that the old lady makes it without twisting her ankle on a pinecone.
Back inside, I sit by the window and wait. I eat a fun sized Crunch bar and wait. I make fog. I make more fog. I hold down the fog button and watch as great banks of fog billow across the front porch and out into the lawn. Realizing that someone might think my house is on fire, I ease up on the fog. And I wait.
As I was contemplating another fun sized Twix, I see someone on the walkway. I’m at the door with the cauldron, ready for them. It’s a mom and a three foot tall Darth Vader. I tell the dark lord that I love his costume as I give him a handful of candy. “Wow, this is so cool,” I say to the mom. “Kids used to dress up as Darth Vader when I was little.”
“Yeah, I know,” says the mom smiling. “It’s a 30th Anniversary commemorative costume or something like that.”
Suddenly feeling much older than I did moments before, I wave as Darth and his mom make their way back down the walk.
I didn’t get any more trick-or-treaters after that. I kept the front porch light on and the pumpkins lit even as it approached nine o’clock, though I knew no one else would come. Five kids. Oh, well. It was more than the zero kids that we had last year at our old house. Besides, I had fun carving the pumpkins and decorating.
At around nine-thirty, the doorbell rang. I was surprised at first, but then I realized who it must be. I opened the door and my husband said, “Trick or Treat!” He had just come home from work. “I think you can turn the porch light off now,” he said.
“I know,” I pouted. “We should blow out the pumpkins, too.” Halloween is officially over.
But, I’ve already thought of a bunch of new stuff that I want to do next year!