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Hi!  I’m not here right now, but if you click here, you can read my guest post over at Wordbitches.  I know, it’s a pain to have to click on one more dang thing just to read my snarky commentary about letting strangers edit your writing.  But, the delightful ladies at Wordbitches were nice enough to feature me on their blog today, so the least I can do is ask/beg my regular readers to pay a visit. 
So, please? 
Pretty please?
I mention Michael Bay, clowns and oatmeal. 
Curious now, aren’t you?
Here’s that link again.

See ya over there!

things I suck at

Ending a sentence with a preposition isn’t one of them, obviously.

I’ve been told that I’m awesome way too much lately.  It’s true. 

I made this messenger bag and was told that I did such a good job I should make more and sell them.  How about that?

Zombie Hunter patch not included.

The leader of my writer’s group was, and I quote, “so consistently impressed by [my] writing and editorial suggestions” that he asked me to edit stories for the magazine he works for.  It’s unpaid, but could open doors for paid work doing what I love.  Hells yeah!

A member of my writer’s group liked my last story so much that he said he would “slap me” if I didn’t submit it for publication somewhere.  Compliments emphasized with violence are my favorite.  How did he know?

While unsolicited praise is as sweet and desirable as a chocolate cupcake delivered by Jason Statham (mmm, Jason Statham*), I have concerns.  Mainly, that I will become smug.  Like the color red and stirrup pants, I don’t look good in smug.  My wheelhouse is self-depreciation.  I’m at my best when I am laughing at myself.  How can I do that if I’m standing proud in my ivory tower, throwing stones at all you little people groveling in the mud below? 

See?  That wasn’t funny.  I apologize.

So, for your sake and mine, I will attempt to deflate my ego by listing a few things at which I am terrible: 

• Walking and doing pretty much anything else at the same time.  I can trip over air, I’m that clumsy.
• Whispering, or in any way talking or laughing quietly.  I’m loud.  Annoyingly so.
• Being subtle (shocking, I know)
• Penmanship.  My handwriting hasn’t improved since the third grade.
• Chopping vegetables.  I cut myself every time I use a kitchen knife. Every. Damn. Time.
• Driving at night.
• Cleaning house.
• Math.  Just, don’t.
• Being nurturing.  If you’re sick I’ll bring you juice and soup, but don’t expect me to stay and rub your head or anything. 

There.  I feel better now that I’ve sufficiently knocked myself down a peg or two.  Besides, you guys are the awesome ones.  Stopping by here to read my clumsy attempts at self-therapization.  Give yourselves a hand.  I mean it!  You guys rock and I’d be nothing without you.   

Now, get out of here.  My bad self’s got some stories to edit.

*An acceptable substitution would be Adam Baldwin and a brownie.

Consolidating

I’ve decided to no longer submit to thisisby.us (and I deleted all my past submissions).  I don’t like the direction that the site is taking.  I originally joined because I really liked reading the other submissions, but they have been decreasing in quality at an exponential rate.  Plus, the hand-full of writers that I read on a regular basis stopped submitting.

Probably only one person really cares about all this (hi, Carrie!), but just in case others were lurking over there I wanted to let you know.  As far as the continuation of the story I was submitting, I’ll post any future installments here. 

One thing I learned about myself while involved with that website, is that I am really picky about what I will read when it is written by an amateur.  I’m kinda snobby, actually.  I expect high quality, correct grammar, punctuation and for it to be spell-checked.  Even if the story is interesting, I will stop reading if the grammatical or spelling errors become too distracting.  I guess it is because I am used to reading books that have been professionally published.  Why would I waste my time reading some hastily typed, unedited drivel when I can spend time reading a good book? 

Kind of ironic, huh?  I’m expecting people waste their time reading my hastily typed, unedited drivel here.  Well, I just hope none of you are as snobby as I am!