deceased and desist

Michelle pulled up the zippers on her new pair of boots and stood to admire herself in the full-length mirror.  The black leather, stack-heeled beauties reached her knees and were adorned with large silver buckles.  They were more Mad Max than Pretty Woman and they made Michelle feel like a bad ass.  She had to take them for a spin.

“Come on, Louis, let’s go.”

She hooked the leash to her little dog’s collar and strolled out her front door.  Yes, it was impractical to walk her dog in a short skirt and knee high boots, but she rationalized that she was just breaking in the leather.

The afternoon was unseasonably bright and warm for early March, which Michelle hoped meant that Winter was finally packing it up for the year.  As she walked down her block, she waved at her neighbor trimming his hedges and smiled at the cute bicycling guy who craned his neck to watch her as he passed.

She turned down the next street then stopped after a bit to let Louis inspect a mailbox post.  Looking up, she saw a police officer standing on the sidewalk about twenty yards ahead.  Louis saw the officer, too, and let out a low growl, his ears flat against his small brown head.  Michelle tugged on his leash and shushed him.  When she stepped forward, he didn’t budge, just continued to stare at the officer and growl.

“Louis! What is wrong with you?”

The officer walked toward her, and she was preparing an apology for her rude dog, but the sight of blood on his forearm stilled her tongue.  As he approached, she noticed his gait was stiff and awkward and his uniform was torn in several places.  However, what concerned her most was the awful gash across his chest that exposed his ribs.  Or, at least, it concerned her that the officer didn’t seem concerned in the slightest.  He kept advancing toward her, moaning and staggering in a way that was at once familiar and all too strange.

Michelle had seen Daryl Dixon fire his crossbow enough times to know what she was dealing with, however, she never expected to encounter a zombie outside of her television screen.

She turned and ran back the way she had come, Louis right by her side.  When she saw that her neighbor was still in his yard, she sprinted up to him and held out Louis’ leash.  “Mr. Campbell,” she said, trying to catch her breath.  “This is going to sound odd, but can you watch my dog for a minute while I borrow your hedge clippers?”

Mr. Campbell regarded her with a raised eyebrow.  “What’s this all about?”

“I promise I’ll explain after I’m done.  Please.”

He still appeared reluctant, but he handed Michelle the clippers anyway and took the leash.

“Thank you!” she yelled over her shoulder as she jogged back toward the creature that used to be a police officer.

She saw the thing immediately after she turned the corner and she slowed to a walk, gripping the hedge clippers tight.  It occurred to her that she was much calmer than she would have ever thought possible in this sort of situation.  She knew exactly what she needed to do, and she was focused on her task.

The undead officer was only a few feet from her now and it lunged toward her.  In one movement, she stepped to the side, lifted the clippers with both hands, then drove them into the zombie’s skull.  It fell to the sidewalk, a heap of rotting flesh and bones.  She took a moment to admire her work before yanking the clippers out of the now fully-dead creature then wiping the blades clean of blood and brains on the tattered uniform shirt.

As Michelle walked back to Mr. Campbell’s, she couldn’t help but feel proud of what she’d just done.  She never thought she’d be capable of facing something as terrifying as a zombie without so much as a flinch.

Must be the new boots, she thought with a smile.

police officer

A while back, I received a very nice request from Michelle (of Steadily Skipping Stones) that I insert her into one of my zombie stories.  I was at once flattered and terrified.  I mean, immortalizing someone in a story is all kinds of pressure.  But, I promised I’d do it so here it is.  I hope you like it, Michelle.  And I hope you get your own pair of zombie-ass-kickin’ boots one day.

If you would like me to write you into a zombie story, you have to get in line behind Lenore, because she’s next. After that, my schedule is clear.  Just let me know if you’d prefer to be one of the living or one of the undead.  I’d hate to kill you and have you be all pissed off at me. Who needs that, right?

And if you’d like to read my zombie stories for January and February, just go to my Zombie-A-Month 2013 page.

Rudolph – BlogFestivus 2012

Eight reindeer slowly approached a small stable on the far edge of  Santa’s compound.

“Remind me why the elves can’t do this?” Comet stopped, her knees shaking.

Dasher pushed her forward.  “You want P.E.T.E.* all over our asses again?  Keep moving.”

When they reached the stable, they just stood there, staring at the closed door.

“Shit,” said Dancer.  “I’ll do it.”  She stepped up to the door and took a few cleansing breaths, then knocked three times.

The stable was silent.

Dancer cleared her throat and said to the door, “Rudolph? Sir? It’s time.”

A low growl rumbled from inside the stable followed by short huffs and snorts.

The group backed away.  Blitzen pulled Dancer behind him.  It was old fashioned, but she appreciated the chivalry.

Then the stable door burst open, sending splinters flying across the snow.  Rudolph stalked through the doorway, hooves stamping at the earth, lips curled into a snarl.  His rage was manifest in the unholy red light that pulsed from his nose in time with his thundering heartbeat.  He threw his head back in a bone rattling roar, massive antlers slicing through the cold night air.  Rudolph then reared back and leaped forward, storming off toward the sled staging area where elves waited with tasers and chains.

After a moment, the group turned to follow Rudolph.  Vixen stifled a sob and Donner wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

Prancer shook his head and said, “Merry fuckin’ Christmas, everyone.”

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*People for the Ethical Treatment of Elves. But you knew that.

And that marks the end of this little challenge.  I hope you all has as much fun corrupting these nine icons of Christmas cheer as I did.

Learn what this craziness is all about by clicking on the BlogFestivus 2012 picture.

Please make sure you visit the other blogs participating in this madness to read how they ended this challenge with Rudolph:

Blogdramedy – the Conductor of this Joy Train

Steve Betz – the holiday mixer.

Rewind Revise – newly married and on her very own joy train.

Lenore Diane — thoughts from the Elf Queen herself.

Shouts from the Abyss – Tom’s on a mission to blighten your holiday season.

Lynn Schneider Books — Lynn, the BlogFestivus newbie.

1 Point Perspective — the Bruce Willis of WordPress.

So I Went Undercover — she’s undercover and that’s all I’ll say about that.

Joe Owen’s Blog — he’s got forty-something eyes. Not Betty Davis eyes.

MC’s Whispers – Maria-Christina works in PR. What kind of “spin” will she put on this writing challenge?

LittleWonder2  – a musical surfing vampire lover. I know.

Blog It or Lose It! – One word. Minecraft.

Voice in Me — Reena’s from India…where reindeer go on vacation.

Apprentice, never master – Gwendolyn, the fearless.

A Year of Daily Posts — Sarah, the paperback writer (three manuscripts but they count.)

Dot Knows! — Liz, the life changer.

k8edid — oh, yes. She did.

The Day After — A musing wannabe.

A Spoonful of Suga — Making reality sexy.

Random Says  – In the moment. At the moment.

 

Blitzen – Blog-Festivus 2012

It was the last night before the main event and the gang decided on a quiet gathering in the recreation barn instead of a wild night on the town.  Bing Crosby crooned in the background while reindeer chatted in scattered groups, nibbling on oatmeal cookies and sipping festive drinks.

Blitzen was ladling out another mug-full of rum punch when he felt a hand on his elbow.

“You sure you need another drink, Blitz?” asked Vixen.

“This is only my second one,” he said.

“I know, but better to be safe than sorry, huh?”

She reached for his mug of punch, but he pulled it away.  “I don’t have a drinking problem!”

He said this loud enough that the whole gang was looking at him now.  A few shook their heads, others looked uncomfortable.  Vixen patted him on the shoulder and whispered, “Calm down.  We’re all friends here.”

Blitzen groaned and tossed back his punch, slamming the mug on the bar.  “Listen, everyone!”  There was a sound of a needle being pulled across a record, which was strange cause he was certain they were playing a CD.  “I appreciate your concern, but I’m not an alcoholic. I have an inner ear problem and I stumble sometimes. That’s all.  Besides, “he pointed to Prancer, passed out under the Christmas tree, “he’s the one you need to be worried about.”

Vixen shook her head as she poured Blitzen more punch. “Oh, we’ve given up on him.”

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Blitzen is German for “lightning,” but not white lightning.

Learn what this craziness is all about by clicking on the BlogFestivus 2012 picture.

Please make sure you visit the other blogs participating in this madness to read what they have in store for Blitzen:

Blogdramedy – the Conductor of this Joy Train

Steve Betz – the holiday mixer.

Rewind Revise – newly married and on her very own joy train.

Lenore Diane — thoughts from the Elf Queen herself.

Shouts from the Abyss – Tom’s on a mission to blighten your holiday season.

Lynn Schneider Books — Lynn, the BlogFestivus newbie.

1 Point Perspective — the Bruce Willis of WordPress.

So I Went Undercover — she’s undercover and that’s all I’ll say about that.

Joe Owen’s Blog — he’s got forty-something eyes. Not Betty Davis eyes.

MC’s Whispers – Maria-Christina works in PR. What kind of “spin” will she put on this writing challenge?

LittleWonder2  – a musical surfing vampire lover. I know.

Blog It or Lose It! – One word. Minecraft.

Voice in Me — Reena’s from India…where reindeer go on vacation.

Apprentice, never master – Gwendolyn, the fearless.

A Year of Daily Posts — Sarah, the paperback writer (three manuscripts but they count.)

Dot Knows! — Liz, the life changer.

k8edid — oh, yes. She did.

The Day After — A musing wannabe.

A Spoonful of Suga — Making reality sexy.

Random Says  – In the moment. At the moment.

Cupid – BlogFestivus 2012

Cupid sat on his bunk in his stall as he re-read the letter from Polar Regional Hospital. The results from his yearly physical were all in the normal to above average range except one–the one added to the battery of tests this year.

“What’s up, man?” Prancer leaned in the wide doorway of Cupid’s stall.

“Nothing.”

“Ooh! Are those your physical results?” Prancer plucked the letter out of Cupid’s grasp and scanned it. “What was your time on the mile dash? I’ll bet you my next paycheck you didn’t beat . . . Oh.” Prancer gave Cupid a worried look. “Bummer, dude.”

Cupid shrugged. “It’s okay. I mean, I’m not even sure I want calves anyway.”

Donner walked up. “Hi, guys. Why the long faces?”

Prancer handed the letter to Donner and said, “Cupid’s bow is shooting blanks.”

Donner shook his head. “That doesn’t make any sense. Arrows can’t be blanks.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Prancer scratched his ear. “Um, his bow is broke?”

“No, no.” Donner looked to Cupid. “Your bow,” he made the air quotes gesture with his hooves, “is working fine, right?”

Slack-jawed, Cupid just nodded.

“So,” said Donner to Prancer, “it’s more like Cupid’s arrows have no points.”

“Yeah.” Prancer made a jabbing gesture. “‘Cause they can’t penetrate the target.”

Comet stuck her head in the doorway. “What’s going on?”

“Cupid is pointless,” said Prancer.

Cupid groaned and leaned back on his bunk, pulling the pillow over his head.

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Don’t ask me now hooves can make air quotes.  The reindeer talk, for pete’s sake.  Let’s keep things in perspective.

Learn what this craziness is all about by clicking on the BlogFestivus 2012 picture.

Please make sure you visit the other blogs participating in this madness to read how they tortured poor Cupid:

Blogdramedy – the Conductor of this Joy Train

Steve Betz – the holiday mixer.

Rewind Revise – newly married and on her very own joy train.

Lenore Diane — thoughts from the Elf Queen herself.

Shouts from the Abyss – Tom’s on a mission to blighten your holiday season.

Lynn Schneider Books — Lynn, the BlogFestivus newbie.

1 Point Perspective — the Bruce Willis of WordPress.

So I Went Undercover — she’s undercover and that’s all I’ll say about that.

Joe Owen’s Blog — he’s got forty-something eyes. Not Betty Davis eyes.

MC’s Whispers – Maria-Christina works in PR. What kind of “spin” will she put on this writing challenge?

LittleWonder2  – a musical surfing vampire lover. I know.

Blog It or Lose It! – One word. Minecraft.

Voice in Me — Reena’s from India…where reindeer go on vacation.

Apprentice, never master – Gwendolyn, the fearless.

A Year of Daily Posts — Sarah, the paperback writer (three manuscripts but they count.)

Dot Knows! — Liz, the life changer.

k8edid — oh, yes. She did.

The Day After — A musing wannabe.

A Spoonful of Suga — Making reality sexy.

Random Says  – In the moment. At the moment.

Comet – BlogFestivus 2012

“What the hell are we doing here?” Dasher asked.

Dancer pulled him down to sit on the floor next to her and gave him a stern look. “All of us went to your heavy metal vomit-palooza thing last summer, so it’s only right you do this for Comet.”

He groaned. “Yeah, but that was fun.”

“Are you kidding me?” She raised an eyebrow at him. “I got covered in mud and some random guy fell on me and accidentally got to third base.”

“Sounds like fun to me,” Dasher grumbled under his breath.

She didn’t bother to reply and just watched as the rest of the gang settled on the rug in a large circle, with one spot vacant. The air hung heavy with spicy incense and music played in the background that sounded suspiciously like squirrels fighting with wind chimes.

Then Comet entered through a beaded curtain, wearing a long, flowing robe in a pseudo-oriental pattern and flowers woven around her antlers. “Welcome, friends,” she said as she glided into the room to fill the empty spot in the circle. “Your presence brings harmony and tranquility to my humble home.”

Comet took a moment to bow to each guest, hooves pressed together over her chest. Afterward she said, “Tonight we’ll begin by balancing our chakras.”

“Oh hell no,” Dancer whispered as she started to stand.

Dasher yanked her back down and grinned. “Vomit-palooza is sounding pretty good right about now, isn’t it?”

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With a name like Comet, you had to expect her to be a little spacey.  (Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.)

Learn what this craziness is all about by clicking on the BlogFestivus 2012 picture.

Please make sure you visit the other blogs participating in this madness to read their stories for Comet:

Blogdramedy – the Conductor of this Joy Train

Steve Betz – the holiday mixer.

Rewind Revise – newly married and on her very own joy train.

Lenore Diane — thoughts from the Elf Queen herself.

Shouts from the Abyss – Tom’s on a mission to blighten your holiday season.

Lynn Schneider Books — Lynn, the BlogFestivus newbie.

1 Point Perspective — the Bruce Willis of WordPress.

So I Went Undercover — she’s undercover and that’s all I’ll say about that.

Joe Owen’s Blog — he’s got forty-something eyes. Not Betty Davis eyes.

MC’s Whispers – Maria-Christina works in PR. What kind of “spin” will she put on this writing challenge?

LittleWonder2  – a musical surfing vampire lover. I know.

Blog It or Lose It! – One word. Minecraft.

Voice in Me — Reena’s from India…where reindeer go on vacation.

Apprentice, never master – Gwendolyn, the fearless.

A Year of Daily Posts — Sarah, the paperback writer (three manuscripts but they count.)

Dot Knows! — Liz, the life changer.

k8edid — oh, yes. She did.

The Day After — A musing wannabe.

A Spoonful of Suga — Making reality sexy.

Random Says  – In the moment. At the moment.

Vixen – BlogFestivus 2012

Walking passed the recreation barn, Vixen heard something that made her stop dead. Clutching her library book to her chest, she leaned in close to the window to get a better listen, hoping she was mistaken. No such luck.

Maybe the song’s just playing on the radio, she thought. But when she opened the door to the barn and saw the gang huddled around Donner’s laptop, she knew her secret was finally out in the open. She pushed her glasses further up her snout and walked toward the group.

Dasher saw her approach and laughed as he said, “Why didn’t you tell us about this, Vix?”

“Damn,” said Donner. “This totally blows my whole image of you out of the water!”

Vixen knew the video by heart, but she watched anyway.

A guitar-heavy chorus, typical of the hair metal songs of the time, played as the camera panned to a snow covered field. And there was Vixen, all of nineteen years old, striking sultry poses while sprawled on the hood of a cherry red Polaris snowmobile.

Cupid looked scandalized. “I can’t believe you were a video vamp. I mean, you don’t even drink and you always got your nose buried in a book.”

“I used to be quite the party girl,” Vixen said. “I grew out of it.”

Donner shook his head as he replayed the video. “If only I’d known you then.”

Vixen smirked. “You wouldn’t have been able to handle me.”

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We all got stuff in our past we’d like to keep buried. Like bodies.

Learn what this craziness is all about by clicking on the BlogFestivus 2012 picture.

Please make sure you visit the other blogs participating in this madness to read their stories for Vixen:

Blogdramedy – the Conductor of this Joy Train

Steve Betz – the holiday mixer.

Rewind Revise – newly married and on her very own joy train.

Lenore Diane — thoughts from the Elf Queen herself.

Shouts from the Abyss – Tom’s on a mission to blighten your holiday season.

Lynn Schneider Books — Lynn, the BlogFestivus newbie.

1 Point Perspective — the Bruce Willis of WordPress.

So I Went Undercover — she’s undercover and that’s all I’ll say about that.

Joe Owen’s Blog — he’s got forty-something eyes. Not Betty Davis eyes.

MC’s Whispers – Maria-Christina works in PR. What kind of “spin” will she put on this writing challenge?

LittleWonder2  – a musical surfing vampire lover. I know.

Blog It or Lose It! – One word. Minecraft.

Voice in Me — Reena’s from India…where reindeer go on vacation.

Apprentice, never master – Gwendolyn, the fearless.

A Year of Daily Posts — Sarah, the paperback writer (three manuscripts but they count.)

Dot Knows! — Liz, the life changer.

k8edid — oh, yes. She did.

The Day After — A musing wannabe.

A Spoonful of Suga — Making reality sexy.

Random Says  – In the moment. At the moment.

better living through reese’s peanut butter cups

We’ve all heard of Pinterest by now, haven’t we? That virtual scrapbook where we can pin all our favorite recipes, fashions, hairstyles, cute animals, funny sayings, art, and pictures of television characters with sarcastic captions.  Then, if it wasn’t enough to collect all these fantastic things, we get to share them with complete strangers. Cause that’s what the internet is for: learning more about people you’ve never met than you know about your own family.

One popular subject on Pinterest is food.  Sweet food being a major sub-set.  And, as you probably deduced from the title of this post (cause you’re a clever one, you are), I’m going to concentrate my focus on one item in particular.

The ubiquitous Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

Thanks to Pinterest, I have found all sorts of new ways to use this popular candy. (click on the pic to go to the pin on Pinterest)

Like disguising a sloppy frosting job.

I swear there is a cake under there somewhere.

Or making favors for kid’s parties.

No, Cindy, don't eat the paper. Oh gosh. Let mommy get the ipecac.

You can turn this drugstore staple into a treat fit for a fancy soiree.

No, Mr. Campbell, don't eat the paper. Oh dear. Does anyone know the heimlich?

Also, it seems that people will never run out of new and fascinating ways to satisfy their sweet tooth. Like sandwiching a Reese’s cup between two Double-Stuff Oreos, dipping the whole mess in chocolate, and topping with Reese’s Pieces.

Diabeetus Sandwich, anyone?

Now, not all ideas involving Reese’s cups are completely whack-a-doodle.

Reese's martini - shaken, stirred, I don't care. Just hand it over and no one gets hurt.

And some ideas are completely inspired.

Reese's infused vodka. Disgusting or genius? Only time and a few mason jars will answer this question.

***TODAY’S SPECIAL***

On this historic day, otherwise known as Wednesday, 19 of your favorite humor bloggers are staging a WordPress coup. We have banded together to address the important topic, Better Living Through Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

Yes, you read that right. Your eyes are fine. Well, they may not be fine – I really don’t know. But it does say “19 of your favorite humor bloggers” (or who SHOULD be your favorite bloggers). We are all presenting the same topic, each from his or her particularly unique perspective.

Why this topic? Why now?

Why not?

Click on the Reese’s Pieces link to gobble up the entire, yummy bag of 19 posts.

Bon Appetite!

The Big Sheep Blog

Childhood Relived

Go Guilty Pleasures

Fifty Four and A Half

Fix It Or Deal

Play 101

k8edid

Lenore’s Thoughts Exactly

Life In The Boomer Lane

Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings

Refrigerator Magnate

Running From Hell With El

She’s A Maineiac

The Byronic Man

The Good Greatsby

The Monster In Your Closet

The Ramblings

Thoughts Appear’s Blog

Unlikely Explanations

don’t panic

A slab of plaster broke free from the ceiling and crashed to the floor behind us after another explosion rocked the building.  The Professor and I scrambled down the hallway, dodging falling debris and climbing over toppled furniture.  The air was thick with dust, but through a broken window I could see black rocks, some the size of Mini Coopers, falling from the sky, slamming into the south wing of the building and the surrounding grounds.  Insanely, I found myself trying to remember if they were called meteors or meteorites once they hit the planet.  Then, after an impact tremor almost knocked me off my feet, all I could think about was keeping up with the Professor.

We reached the end of the hall and half fell, half ran down the emergency stairwell to the garage level.  From there we felt our way through the dust and smoke until we came to the fortified bunker that housed some of the Professor’s larger experiments.  After heaving the thick metal door closed behind me, the sounds of explosions were muffled, but I could still feel the vibrations through the floor and walls.  Thankfully, the emergency generators were running, so the lab lights were working, although the assault outside caused them to flicker.

“Sarah, help me with this!”The professor was struggling with a tarp of some kind on the other side of the immense lab.

I ran over to him and helped pull the tarp off what was revealed to be a robot of all things.  It had a square body with arms and legs and a wide, rectangular head with two small bulbs for eyes.  “What does this do?” I asked him.

“I designed this robot to emit ultra-sonic frequencies,” said the professor as he pushed a few buttons on the robot’s front panel. “The right frequency aimed at the meteors could disintegrate them before they hit the ground.” He turned to me and grabbed my shoulder. His white hair was tinted brown with dust, making him appear years younger. “I told those bastards in D.C. that this was coming, but they didn’t listen to me.”

A particularly large meteorite (that’s what they’re called after they hit the ground, I’d remembered) must have landed nearly on top of us, because the whole lab shifted two feet to my left.  The lights flashed and dust sifted down from the ceiling. I was thrown against a nearby desk which I clutched like a life raft.  “Professor?”

His head popped into view from behind the robot’s right shoulder.  “I’ve got him all warmed up.  All I have to do is push this red button and he’ll calibrate the frequency needed to blast the meteors into sand.” He pushed the button and stepped out from behind the robot.

The robot’s eyes glowed bright blue and a screen across its front flashed with indicator bars of different colors.  What they meant was beyond me.  Then the metal beast fell over, flat on what could be considered its face.  The Professor and I stood over the prone robot and watched, stunned, as its head and legs retreated within the body like a mechanical turtle.  All its lights and indicators then switched off and the machine just lay there, dark and silent.

I turned to the Professor for some sort of explanation, but he only scratched his head, dust falling from his hair.  I stepped closer to the robot and tried to ignore the lab trembling around me.  From this new angle, I could see two words printed below a large red square on the robot’s back.

PANIC BUTTON.

This month’s robot does a trick. He really does open up so his head and legs get stored within his body.  How cute is that? Well, not cute if you want him to save the world and all he does is panic, but we’ll ignore that for now.

If you’d like to read about my robots from previous months or just learn what the heck this is all about, please visit my Robot A Month 2012 page.

hey girl, you’ve got a problem

I have a full-time job – Monday through Friday, 8:30 am to 5:00 pm. I have a part-time non-paying job editing books when I get home. Right now I have a 60,000 word historical romance novel I need to line edit by Thursday. THIS Thursday. I also have submissions from members of my writer’s group that I have to read and critique. Then there is the book for my book club that I have to finish reading. Not to mention the book that I am supposed to be writing.  And I also try to carve out a few moments to write on this here blog for fun. But I need to read and comment on blogs that I follow as well because they are all so awesome.

Busy, right?
So, what do I do?
I start a new tumblr blog.
Because I am a lunatic.

See, last Friday, for some reason, I  was thinking about that “Hey girl, Ryan Gosling” meme that’s going around. If you aren’t familiar, it’s superimposed text over a photo of hot young actor Ryan Gosling that says ridiculously romantic things like, “Hey girl, I love how you look in sweatpants.” Or, “Hey girl, I can record the game, let’s go to the farmer’s market instead.” Sappy stuff like that.

Then my brain led me down a twisted thought path and I started musing about everyone’s favorite crossbow wielding redneck, Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead, and what a very un-romantic character he is. He doesn’t have time for niceties or making a girl feel good about herself. He’s got squirrels to kill and zombie ears to collect and crossbow bolts to carve from tree branches, dammit!

And then I started cracking myself up (as I am wont to do) by the images I created in my head. But not satisfied with just my thoughts, I decided to bring them to life.

I understand that if you aren’t a fan of the show, all this will make little to no sense to you and for that, I apologize.

And then, because I am an attention whore, I created a tumblr blog where I can post this insanity for the whole internet to see.  What’s even worse? It’s actually kinda popular. I started this on Friday night and as of Monday afternoon the blog already has 53 followers. For some perspective, I started my Retro Fun tumblr over seven months ago and it only has 22 followers. The last thing I need is for other people to think this stuff is entertaining! Now I’ll want to keep doing it! When I should be doing something else!

I think I have raised procrastination to an art-form.
I have a problem.

And now I gotta go Google some more pictures of Daryl to caption.
Excuse me . . .

yes, i’m like this in real life, too

Reading my sarcasm on this here blog is one thing. I mean, if it gets too much, you can always just stop reading and go Google pictures of unicorns or something. But those few, unfortunate souls who have to deal with me in real life are not so lucky. And, believe me, I am just as sarcastic in the flesh as I am in type. Probably more so, because seeing me live you get the added bonus of hand gestures and facial expressions.

I don’t (yet) have a video crew following me around all day, so there is no real proof of my innate snarkyness.  However, I do have snipets of real-world conversations thanks to the convenience of text messaging.

My husband is used to my sarcasm, so he gladly plays along.

Sometimes, he lacks the subtlety that I bring to the table.


I really love that I have awesomely funny friends to set me up so beautifully. They really should know better than to encourage my behavior.


However, sometimes the stars align, the clouds part, a ray of light shines down from above and a chorus of angels sing as an unsuspecting victim friend steps right into my vortex of sarcasm.


Brian still talks to me, believe it or not.

(And, yes, this post is just a thinly veiled attempt by me to show you all how very clever I am. And to finally use my iPhone’s “print screen” function.)