i sure didn’t mean to influence anybody, and if i did, i apologize

The internet is a lot like high school. You got the popular kids who set all the trends and make things happen.  Then you got the fringe groups that are bound together by their love of things like movies or video games. Further down are the outcasts that don’t talk to anybody and just observe.

And, just like in high school, I fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.  Well, at least that’s what Klout.com would have me believe.  Using complicated statistical formulas and pretty, pretty graphs they calculate how influential you are on the internet and assign you a grade from 1 to 100.

And, there I am, stuck in the (almost) middle with you.  I’m a “Specialist” (whatever that means) and there is my twitter tag-line and Facebook profile picture (no-one dares un-friend you with a pic like that).

But, wait.  What’s this?

The people at Klout need to check their sources. And then flog them mercilessly.

Football? Seriously? I don’t think I have ever even typed the word “football” on this blog (until now, of course). I don’t like football. Never have. I know so little about football and most any organized sports that I tend to refer to them all under the blanket term of “sports-ball games.” How in the world wide web can I be influential about something of which I have no knowledge or interest? That’s like Justin Bieber being influential about third-world economies. Or testicles.

I suppose I understand being somewhat influential about the TSA thanks to my grandma, but that was just one isolated incident. I am actually flattered that anyone would consider me influential about Science and Technology. I’m down with science. I scored higher in Science on my SATs than I did English (which, if you go by the grammar on this blog, I’m sure you’re not surprised). But, I hardly ever blog about science-related topics (unless you count building your own miniature spaceship, that is).

How did I become so misrepresented? If there was any justice in the world, Klout would show that I am an influential in the following:

• Zombies – I present Exhibit A as proof of my zombie aptitude.
• Snark – Please refer to Exhibit B and C for all the proof you need of my innate snarkability.
• Writing – The index labeled “Culled, for your enjoyment” is littered with writings both humorous and educational.  Sometimes both.

As if inaccurately commenting on my influence (or lack thereof) wasn’t enough, Klout also had something to say about the company I keep.

My internet friends and I are “a small but tightly formed network that is highly engaged.” I think Klout just called us a gang. Either that, or a cult. Gah, this is just like high school all over again.

things that make me wonder if i belong on the internet

• I don’t own any action figures.
• I don’t own anything owl-related.
• I don’t know how to knit nor do I want to learn.
• I still use two spaces after periods.
• Do I have to watch the video? Can’t I just read an article?
• I haven’t touched a video game since I was ten.
• No. I don’t want to see your penis.
• I don’t own any Legos.
• Star Wars. I’m over it.
• I only dress up in costumes on Halloween.
• No. I’m not showing you my boobs.
• When I see RPG I think “rocket-propelled grenade.”
• I don’t know how to use PhotoShop.
• Why is Batman every-f*cking-where?
• Yes, it’s a Stormtrooper.  Yay.
• There are movie-type trailers for video games?
• Bacon is awesome.  I get it.
• Seriously, what’s with all the boobs?
• Have people forgotten how to be entertaining without the use of pictures or cartoons?
• I don’t think I have ever even touched a comic book.
• Must every pop culture reference be spliced with every other pop culture reference?
• No. I don’t want to see a Vulcan Steampunk Female C-3PO riding a Unicorn to Mordor.

How I know that I probably belong on the internet more than I’d like to admit:

• I have a blog.
• I superimpose text over old pictures for a laugh.
• I post said pictures on yet another blog.
• Going more than an hour without checking twitter makes me anxious.
• Seeing anything Firefly related makes me squee.
• I use words like “squee.”
• Getting sucked into a Wikipedia wormhole is a delightful way to spend an afternoon.
• Lolcats still make me giggle.
• I just spent an hour looking at funny pictures of cats.
• Okay. I kinda want to see that Steampunk C-3PO Unicorn madness.

happy labor day

Aside from being slap full of lunatics, my office is a fairly easy place to work.  The dress code is office casual which means suits are not required and I hardly ever wear heels.  As long as your clothes don’t have holes or advertise beer, you’re okay.  We are free to mill about and talk to each other and frequently you will see a group of three or four employees gathered in the break room (drinking free coffee) or around the copy machine (stealing free paper) having a chat.  We have some procedures that are important to follow, but really if you just get your work done in a timely manner no one minds much.  Also, our emails are not monitored and the entirety of the internet is at our disposal whenever we please.    

Until last week, that is.    

Management decided to bring the hammer down and put an end to our little Utopia.  They have the power and they wield it with fury.  Being but lowly employees, all we can do is subjugate ourselves and goose-step in time to our superior’s unrelenting drum beat.  

Yes, my friends.  They did the unthinkable.  They blocked Facebook.   

I suspect that next we will be forced to show identification papers before we can enter or exit the building.  

Ya think the Nazi references are a bit dramatic?  Tell that to the people who tried to stage a full-blown riot at work.  You would think that management had installed a coin-operated coffee machine or turned off the air conditioning.  Before lunch, there was an email sent around to select, trusted employees (how did I get on that list? they obviously don’t know about my blog) with the subject line of “3:00 today – outside.”  The message read:    

All Facebook Friends!  Come one, come all!  Join us for a Facebook jamboree!! BYOP!! 

I soon figured out that “BYOP” stood for “Bring Your Own Phone.”  Yes, people were going to rebel by going outside and logging on to Facebook with their smart phones during work hours.  Grown, adult people.  At work!  I do not know if this farcical demonstration actually took place because, thank the gods, I was scheduled to leave the asylum work at 1:00 that day.    

I actually knew about the block the day before.  I was at work late and before I left I tried to check my Facebook to see if a friend had replied to a message I sent that morning.  I was surprised to see the blocked notification.  The next day, I didn’t say anything about it because, silly me, I would actually have been embarrassed to admit that I was looking at Facebook while at work.  Apparently, other employees have no qualms about wasting time on the company dime.    

Now, I don’t want you to think that I’m a company clone or anything.  I goof-off and play around on the internet (when do you think I write half of these posts?).  But, I know that it is wrong and I also know that if I worked in the “real” corporate world, my every move would be monitored.  Blocking Facebook is the absolute minimum that my office could do.  There are programs out there that record each employee’s every keystroke, so employers not only know where you have gone on the internet but exactly what you have said.  There are also companies that make you clock out when you use the restroom or dock your pay if you are five minutes late.  Talk about Nazis! 

I, for one, am very glad that I don’t work in the “real” corporate world.  I appreciate the level of freedom that I do have and won’t do something stupid like whine and complain when one very small freedom is justifiably taken away. 

That being said, heaven help their mortal souls if they block WordPress.