I should’ve known better

To:  Whomever ate the frozen entree that was to be my lunch
From: Me

I HOPE YOU CHOKED ON IT YOU INCONSIDERATE BITCH COW!!

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I had faith that my office-mates would never stoop so low as to eat an item in our break room refrigerator that they did not put in there themselves. 

Clearly, I was delusional. 

Now, anyone tempted to eat my frozen brick of a lunch will be faced with this:

unnatural selection

Unlike mornings, John was good at lunch. He knew every restaurant, diner and coffee shop within a five-mile radius of his office. He catalogued which had good parking, which were better to walk to, who had the best club sandwich and who made a better burger. He analyzed seating, noise levels, waitresses, prices and daily specials over many weeks. All this he compiled into a database of choices that could be used to pick the perfect establishment given the day of the week and what mood he was in. He got only one hour a day during his work-week that wasn’t controlled by anyone else, so by God he would make every minute his own.