Every religion has their quirks.
Catholics have their bloody crucifixes and a flair for the dramatic. Southern Baptists tend to take things a bit too literally and believe alcohol is evil. Hindus have their cows and Buddhists strike a pose.
Seventh Day Adventists are very concerned with what they eat. Or, more specifically, what they won’t eat. Strict SDAs are commonly vegetarian and they also do not ingest alcohol, caffeine or spicy foods such as chili peppers (black pepper is a no-no as well). Dairy products and eggs are also excluded or eaten only in moderation.
So, what do they eat? Well, I’m glad you asked.
It so happens that my grandmother is a SDA. I
stole borrowed this church published cookbook while staying in her condo back in September.
Looks harmless enough. But, let’s take a look inside, shall we?
As expected, I found quite few soy-based recipes and various propaganda regarding the evils of a meat and caffeine laden diet.
Then there were some . . . unexpected . . . recipes involving soy.
I don’t know who this Donna person is, but I’d be willing to bet she was born without taste buds. I can’t even begin to imagine what this would taste like, or look like for that matter. What is a #2 can? Do they sell those at Williams-Sonoma? I love how Donna leaves it up to you to decide how much garlic salt to use and the soy sauce adds a nice Asian flair to this peanut buttery, tomato juicy can of despair.
Soy sauce pops up quite a bit in this recipe book.
What the heck did waffles ever do to deserve such a fate as this? Can you imagine how salty this unholy gravy would be? With the briny olives, chicken seasoning, salt and soy sauce, I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it. Then, if the olives are too adventurous for your palate, they suggest substituting them with “scrambled tofu.” So that would be soy milk, soy sauce and tofu – a trifecta of soy.
But, even all that soy sounds perfectly reasonable compared to this next dish.
What the hell is “209″? That’s not a food, that’s a number. And it comes in a can. Maybe it’s a #2 can. Can I substitute two cans of 104.5 if that’s all I got?
Had enough? Well, we’re just getting started, my friends.
Can you say “Gluten Roast” without your breakfast trying to crawl back up your throat? If you can, you are made of sterner stuff than I. The only ingredient used more often than soy in this grimoire of ghoulish delights is gluten, which sounds alarmingly like paste, if you ask me. If you don’t want to make your own
paste gluten, then you can apparently purchase a product called ”Do-Pep.” I wonder if it is in the same aisle with cans of 209?
Ready for some more words you’ve never heard before? Brace yourself.
What sort of Lovecraftian horrors are Protose and Nutose? It sounds like something created in a dank, basement laboratory by a mad scientist in a dirty lab coat and unruly hair. And what, in the name of all that is pure and good, are they doing to that poor, innocent peanut butter? “Gluten will become stringy (this gives texture).” Have more depressing words ever been penned in a book meant to provide people with nourishment?
What could possibly be next?
“Tender Bits” sounds like cat food. Sweet/Sour Cat Food almost sounds more appetizing than this gluten monstrosity. “Skallops” must be like “krab” only sadder.
There’s more. So, so much more. But I’ll spare you the recipes and just let you chew on a few of these names:
Pinto Bean Oat Waffles (refried waffles?)
Prairie “Fish” (quotes not added by me)
Cashew Loaf (cashews must be the holiest of all nuts)
Chicken-Style Toast Quickies (gives “quickie” a bad name)
Shamburger (I swear I’m not making this up)
Soybean Sandwich Filling (and yet, my sandwich is still so very empty)
Vegelona Hash (another new word!)
Wheatmeat (hungry yet?)
Peanuteena (soyteena’s younger brother)
Chicken a la Queen (gave the King a wig and size 14 pumps)
Glorified Rice (this is a dessert)
Rice a la Apple (this, too)
Apple Prune Betty (Brown Betty’s irregular Aunt)
You guys had enough? Okay, I’ll stop.
I must emphasize that not all, or even most, Seventh Day Adventists concoct such palate deadening recipes as these in their homes. Most SDAs are super nice, normal people going about their daily business like everyone else. I bet a lot of them have never even heard of Do-Pep or know what 209 is. (Yes, I’m covering my ass so people don’t think I’m a religious bigot, which I’m not.)
And, if any of you out there are
brave stupid enough to make and/or consume any of these recipes, please DO NOT let me know. I got enough crazy in my life without having to deal with the likes of you.