this is not the blog you’re looking for part IV: the searchening

What better way to get back into the blogging groove than to do a post about the crazy Google search terms that led people to my blog. Besides, I promised a Summer 2012 edition of “This is Not the Blog You’re Looking For” last winter and, because I forgot to cross my fingers behind my back when making said promise, I gotta deliver. (won’t be making that mistake again)

Let’s start out with these very specific searches:
picture of a gnu
drawing of toast
weasel drawings
how to draw a marshmallow

I have actually featured each of these items on my blog in the past. I’m nothing if not . . . eclectic.

Unfortunately, I have had the following on my blog as well:
beaver porn images
safe word

Yeah, it’s not what you’re thinking. Or, ya know, maybe it is. I stopped trying to figure you guys out a long time ago.

Next on the menu is:
protose
adventist shamburger recipe
seventh day adventist recipes mockfish

Thanks to my Pulitzer nominated post, “its a cookbook! a cookbook!,” if you Google “seventh day adventist shamburger recipe” my blog is the first search result. Which is hi-larious until the day some poor soul who actually wanted a recipe for shamburgers stumbled unawares into my web of sarcasm. You will see from our comment exchange that I handled it in the manner of a responsible adult, which I can quite convincingly pretend to be. (not today, however)

Then, as always, there is the random, mixed-bag of search terms that inspired the title to this blog series:

yes bitch i drank all the wine – Hey, can we hang out?

i cannot whore myself to you – That’s okay cause I wasn’t going to pay you anyway.

love poems to your dead grandparents – Well, I guess that’s better than the dirty limericks you wrote when my cousin was in a coma.

beagle tilt – Is that anything like cow tipping?

glue to make red solo cup wine glasses – Use whatever glue you aren’t sniffing at the moment.

steampunk nazi ninja – Oh, Internet, don’t ever change.

can a guy pull off dressing like princess leia – The Rebel Alliance is quite open-minded about these things.

peanut butter digital artwork – Sorry, I like my peanut butter analog. I’m old-school that way.

i’ll pack my bags but if you end up hurting me, breaking my heart, or if i find out stuff that hurts me i might kill myself. i have a lot of love to give but i am a fragile person that is easily destroyed – Huh? You’re still here? I totally stopped listening after “I’ll pack my bags.”

 

retro fun: players and haters edition

Yeah. I’m still making these. Everyone’s gotta have a hobby, right?

And yes, I say “players and haters” instead of “playas ’n hatas” because I’m a 37 year old white woman with a desk job.  Word.

If you like these, be sure to check out my Retro Fun page. If you don’t like these, then you should definitely never, ever go to my Retro Fun page. Seriously. Don’t even hover your cursor over it cause you might accidentally click on it and see more of these defaced old ads and then you’ll either start screaming or crying, but either way, I don’t need that drama right now.  

happy thanksgiving (retro fun style)

this is not the blog you’re looking for part 3: i still know what you searched last summer

Yep. It’s time for another search term round-up here at the FIOD corral. So, straighten your Stetson and sharpen your spurs ’cause this filly’s a feisty one.  And, if any of you fellas are ridin’ bare-back under your chaps, you’re at the wrong rodeo.

However, whoever found me with these search terms ended up in the right place:
sarcastic Christmas lyrics
sarcastic remarks about Christmas
sarcastic Christmas
sarcastic Christmas list
sarcastic Christmas pictures

I have these Christmas-themed retro ads to thank for those searches.

Then someone had to go and ask:
can you use sarcastically in a sentence

Puh-leeze! I can sarcastically use sarcastically in a sentence.  I work in sarcasm the way other artists may work in oils or clay. (Bonus points if you know this movie reference. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. There are no “points.”)

Then, as is often the case, things take a turn for the weird.

man gets attacked by flying toast – Toast can smell fear, you know.

suck a cork and massage a grape at the same time – I think you may want to follow the ass-less chaps fellas out of here.

happy person with drill – That’s much better than sad person with a drill, let me tell ya.

mad baby seals -  But, they’re so cute when they’re angry! They get mad when you say that, by the way.  Which just makes them cuter!

I'm mad at you. Stop giggling! I'm serious! Grr!

whispy ambigram – Is this some sort of pretentious new age Enya cover band or something?  They can go on tour with Feathery Palindrome and Misty Spoonerism.  (I think I new a girl in high school named Misty Spoonerism.)

just add a kid – What is the best way to ruin your life, Alex? (Aw, stop it! I’m just joking. Geesh!)

grandpa’s soggy balls – I quadruple-dog-dare any of you to do a Google image search of this.  At work. On your boss’s computer.

kitten kills a retard – I . . . umm . . .uhh . . .  Okay, internet.  You win, man.  You win.
::holds up hands and backs slowly out of the room::

As with most sequels, you may want to start at the beginning:
This is Not the Blog You’re Looking For
This is Not the Blog You’re Looking For Part 2: The Wrath of Google

 

retro fun – childhood trauma edition

Trials in life build character and make us stronger, right? 
Well, in that case, these kids will eat nails when they grow up.
Or, they’ll develop a debilitating addiction to prescription pain medication. 
It’s too soon to tell.

If these look familiar to you, that’s because you’ve seen them on my Retro Fun tumblr blog.
If they don’t look familiar to you, then I’ve succeeded in re-cycling existing content to appear productive.  I’m not proud of my trickery, but desperate times call for desperate actions.

retro fun – movie edition

I recently started a tumblr blog for all my retro fun inappropriateness.  I originally wanted a tumblr so it would be easier to follow other tumblr blogs that I like.  The short-format style of those types of blogs lends itself to posting photos, so I figured why not give my retro ads a home of their own.  I’ve posted many new ones over there that aren’t on my Retro Fun page here, so you should go check it out.  Then start a tumblr blog of your own so you can repost my posts and feed my ever growing hunger for public adoration. (I wish I were joking.)

However, as a treat (ie. I couldn’t think of anything better to post), I thought I’d post some new retro fun here.  Well, two are new.  One I’ve posted over on the tumblr blog, but it fit in with the theme of movies so I included it.  It’s my blog and I can do stuff like that.  Like He-Man, I have the power. 

 

Can you guess all three movie references? There’s no prize except for my respect and bragging rights in the comments.  So, yeah, no prize.

i’m socializing all up in this media

My on-line presence has grown like a metastasized cancer and is infecting all corners of the interweb.

(Cue: horror gal)

Yep, you can run but you can’t hide.  I can currently be found lurking at:

• Facebook   
• twitter       
• This here blog.
• Pinterest - You gotta check this place out if you haven’t already. It’s like a scrap-book of all the coolest stuff that people find on the internet.  You can lose hours of your life there.  But, don’t worry, someone will find them and pin them for you. 
• tumblr.

The tumblr is brand new.  Because I am a whore for attention, I started a tumblr for my retro ads.  I’ll post old ones that can currently be seen on my Retro Fun page, but there will also be new ones sprinkled in, like little snarky surprises. 

Anywhere else you think I should spread my presence?

Ew.  That sounded all wrong. 

 

well, you asked for it

The votes have been tabulated and the results are in.  And, I must say, you people are kinda demented.  But, that’s what I like about you.

By an overwhelming majority, you wanted to see me get all snarky and inappropriate on some retro ads.  Never let it be said that I don’t give the people what they want.

If you don’t know the alternate meaning of “toss my salad” you can Google it.  Or, you can remain in innocent oblivion. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t enjoy corrupting people.  Well, maybe a little.  If you think you can handle it, visit my Retro Fun page for more. 

I am happy to see that no one voted to see non-zombie content. However, one of you voted for me to do another video.  Seriously? I thought we were friends?

retro fun: they can’t all be winners

Here are two ads that I captioned that just don’t quite hit the mark. I really tried, but I just couldn’t get them to work on the level that I wanted.  (Cause, this is really important stuff here, I know.)

 

I mean, how scary would it be if you depended on a giant, disembodied hand to do all your large-scale construction? All it would take is a too-quick release of an “OK” gesture and your whole spaceport would be unceremoniously flicked into the next galaxy. Then I thought, “what if The Hand got a hangnail?” That would piss it off and it probably wouldn’t want to do any heavy lifting for a while.  However, I wanted The Hand to suffer an affliction that would not only hobble it, but would make the tiny people uncomfortable. Make them say, “Um, it’s okay Hand, really.  You go take care of whatever is growing on yourself and we’ll just invent cranes or something.”  Yeah, I think I over-thought this one a bit. 

I don’t know why, but I see latent homosexual overtones in most of these retro ads.  Maybe it’s because the men look too buttoned-up, too clean-cut so I think they must be hiding something.  Something dirty.  Not that I think being gay is “dirty.” Not at all.  But you know these guys think it is. And the thought of it would make them ashamed, but excited at the same time.  And it would make them want to spend a “guys weekend” in San Francisco.  Is San Francisco even a gay mecca anymore? I have no idea.  That’s why I think this one should probably stay in the closet. 

(Mad props to Plan59.)

retro fun: behind the scenes

Have you ever wondered how I come up with my snarky comments for those retro ads I’m so fond of?

No?

Well, this is a little awkward. I’ll pretend to be interested in this magazine while you back out of the room and quietly close the door behind you.

Okay, then. My process for captioning those ads is twofold:
     1. Write down the first thing that pops into my head
     2. Edit for spelling and f-bombs

If I stare at an ad for longer than a minute and an idea for a caption hasn’t materialized, I move on.  I’ve found that if I try to force it, it just falls flat. (That’s what she said!  Sorry.)

Here’s an example:

When I saw this one, the first thing that popped into my head was “Bubble Tape.” I haven’t seen Bubble Tape in years. Do they even still make the stuff? I don’t know why my brain went there, but can you look at that picture and not see Bubble Tape, now?

This was an ad for silverware, which is random in itself. What does football have to do with flatware? Anyway, concussion injuries of football players has been in the news quite a bit recently, so when I saw the mysterious floating spoon, I figured it had to be a symptom of brain damage.

This one was easy. These dudes are super white and look super smug.  A few grueling days working at the Bubble Tape factory will take them down a peg or two.  This one was also heavily influenced by Louis CK (link is to a video  clip of his stand-up and is kinda NSFW, but oh so funny).

I apologize in advance for this next one. Mom, is someone at your door? You may want to go check.

Yes, I went there.  I’m not proud of myself. Unless you thought it was funny, that is.

As always, thank you Plan59 for allowing me to rape your website for blog material.