things that make me feel old

• I know what the RCA dog looks like (and I remember RCA)
• I was taught cursive writing in grade school
• I know how to use a typewriter
• I know how to use a fax machine (believe it or not, I’ve met interns that have never used one)
• I use two spaces after a period (apparently this is as outdated as cassette players)
• I own a cassette player
• I need surgery for my busted back

Yep.  I’m going under the knife (insert Psycho screeching sound).  For the very first time in my life, as a matter of fact.  It appears that my bottom-most disk (L 5, I believe) has bulged out of its normal confines and is pressing against my sciatic nerve cluster.  The only way to relieve this pressure is to slice me open, drill down to the troublesome area and scrape off the portion of the disk that is wayward.  Sounds more gruesome than it really is (thanks to my verb selection).  If everything goes as planned, I will go home the same day and will only be out of work for about a week (I actually wouldn’t mind being home longer, but such is life). 

I won’t lie - I’m a little nervous.  This is my first surgery (other than removing my wisdom teeth as a teenager) and I don’t have any idea what to expect.  I’m also not thrilled about the thought of my large, white ass being displayed prominently during the procedure (I can keep my underwear on, right? Right?).  However, I am also very excited about not being in pain anymore.  You can’t realize how often you drop stuff on the floor until it burns like fire to bend over and pick it up.  It so happens that I drop stuff a lot. 

So, next Tuesday I’ll be knocked out with my ass in the air while some doctor does his thing.  Sounds like one hell of a party, huh?  If you cross your fingers, you may get treated to a post pounded out while I’m spaced on pain meds.  Yeah.  Lucky you.

diagram of an evening

I have a pain in my ass.  No.  Seriously.

My back no longer hurts me thanks to my wonderful chiropractor, but now I have a new issue – nerve pain.  Apparently a wonky disk in my back is pinching a nerve which causes shooting pains in my ass and all down the back of my right leg.  I believe it’s what the old folks refer to as “sciatica.”  I’m not an old folk, so I call it nerve pain.  It hurts when I sit, it hurts when I stand, it hurts when I bend over.  I have to sit on my bed to put on my underwear because I can’t raise my leg.  TMI?  Maybe.  But, I am trying to paint a picture here.  It hurts.  Get it?

Until I can get an MRI scheduled so my doctor can see exactly what needs to be done to un-pinch my nerve, I really just have to deal with it.  (cue violins)

Well, on Friday I kinda had enough.  I decided to self-medicate.  After one glass of wine, my pain had diminished greatly and I could walk without limping.  It’s a miracle!  I am healed!  And you know what they say, if one is good then two must be better, right?  I didn’t have anywhere to be and I was home alone (my husband was out helping a friend move – he’s a sucker) so I poured another glass and settled in for the evening. 

That night, settling in involved pulling up Pandora on my netbook and curling up on the couch with a sketch pad and pencil.  I’ve been in a creative slump lately, so I thought a little drawing while listening to music would help grease my creative wheels. 

The next morning, my nerve pain was back in full force, but I barely noticed it because the pounding in my head was much worse.  I shuffled out to the kitchen where I discovered the empty wine bottle and the partially consumed bottle next to it.  Cursing my stupidity, drank some water and pulled on some clothes.  My husband took pity on me and drove me to get some breakfast. 

After returning home, I found my sketches from the night before.  I don’t remember drawing half of what was on the paper, but the doodles are clearly an accurate representation of my deteriorating condition throughout the evening. 

One glass of wine =

Well, hi there cute little robot.  Will you be my friend little robot?  I promise to never get you wet and to keep your operating system updated at all times.  You will be my bestest friend little robot.  

Two glasses of wine =

Okay, I think that first one is a flying happy marshmallow and the second is a flying piece of buttered toast.  Why did I draw flying food?  I have no idea, but I think I was probably getting hungry.  I do remember grabbing a bag of pita chips around this time. 

Three glasses of wine =

I’m pretty sure that’s a jellyfish.  I know that jellyfish don’t have eyes or mouths, but toast doesn’t fly, either.  I don’t think that logic was all that important to me at this point in the evening. 

Four glasses of wine =

Yeah.  Zombie cat from another galaxy, anyone? 

Five + glasses of wine =

Your guess is as good as mine.  Dracula, maybe?  A demon?  A cry for help?

I started with cute little robots and happy, flying food and degenerated into zombie cats and demon-things.  I thought wine was my friend.

My little experiment with drunken drawing was good for taking my mind off my little health issue for one evening.  It remains to be seen if it helped charge my creative mojo.  I did get a blog post out of it, but that’s not saying much.  I wrote a blog post about spell check for cryin’ out loud.  Hopefully, my family will do something crazy over Thanksgiving.