i can handle it

Being a strong, independent person is not nearly as wonderful as people would lead you to believe.  For once, I want to just curl up in the corner and whimper while someone else takes care of the hard business of life.  I would love to be able to flee the scene when the elephant in the room goes on a rampage and smashes the furniture.  But noooo.  When times get tough, I square my shoulders and stand my ground.  I’ll lasso the beast and clean up the mess.  I am self-reliant to a fault.  Expecting someone else to show up and rescue me after being sucker-punched by life is just not in my nature.   

That being said, I’m always grateful when friends or family tell me that they are here for me and ask me what they can do to help.  I just never know what to tell them.  If I have to leave town suddenly, I’ll need someone to feed my dogs.  Other than that, I don’t know what anyone else could do. 

“I’m here if you need to talk,” someone will say.  Well, that’s awesome, it really is.  But, I don’t like to talk, not until the situation is well over and handled, that is.  Talking before I have all the facts leads to speculation and speculation just smacks of drama to me and I HATE drama.  Why would I call you while I’m in the hospital, tubes attached everywhere and the doctors are still running tests?  “Oh, hi!  I’m in the hospital and they don’t know what’s wrong, but I just wanted to give you a call so you can worry your ass off and feel helpless.  Okay, bye!”  Yeah.  I don’t think so.   I won’t call until after I am home from the hospital because then will have a full story – beginning, middle and end.  Hell, if I can make it funny, I might even just blog about it first so I can avoid the phone call altogether.  Is that wrong? 

I realize that I am way too comfortable being by myself.  I was a latch-key kid and had a lot of alone time as a child.  It never bothered me.  I could watch what I wanted on television, eat a bowl of cereal and all around enjoy having no one around to tell me what to do.  Even now, if my husband has to work late, I don’t mind so much.  I’ll read a book or work on a writing project (and probably eat a bowl of cereal).  Things I don’t like to do when he’s home because they take time away from us being together. 

If I weren’t married, I could easily see myself turning into a hermit.  My sister would eventually have to break into my house, pry my laptop from my hands and drag my colorless body outside while I hiss at the sun like some cave animal.  Later, I would thank her for it because I’d remember that I do enjoy being around people.  People are fun!  Hearing real, live laughter is much better than a “LOL” any day. 

I guess I just need to get in the habit of not only laughing with other people, but crying with them, too.  I would do anything, absolutely anything to help any of my friends or family during a difficult time and I hope they know that.  However, I need to learn to trust them to help me, too. 

Ick.  Self-improvement is so hard and messy.  Dealing with a crisis situation is much easier.