leave your body at the door

I had to leave town unexpectedly last Tuesday.  My grandma, my mother’s mother, was very ill. According to everyone who saw her, she was not going to last much longer. So, my mom, my sister and I flew up to Michigan to say good-bye.

Well, in typical mid-western passive-aggressive fashion, she got better right after we arrived.  I’m not complaining.  I hope she lives forever. But, it did make for a stressful flight up there.

I love you grandma.

Adding to that stress was my grandfather. Normally, someone who has been dead for over 30 years shouldn’t be cause for much concern. But, this is my family we are talking about.

See, my grandfather was cremated. Half of his ashes were scattered around the property of the house that grandpa and grandma built together. The other half was put in a brass urn that stands eight inches tall and about five inches across.  His urn was displayed on the fireplace hearth of my mom’s house. When she moved, he went to my sister’s and rested on her hearth.  When my sister moved, he was passed on to me, because at that time, I had the fireplace.

Grandma, being a Seventh Day Adventist, does not believe in cremation and wishes to be buried. As some sort of compromise, the urn containing grandpa’s ashes is to be buried with her.

You see where this is going, don’t you?

Yes. I had to fly to Michigan with grandpa in my carry-on.

Surprisingly enough, I’ve never flown with human remains in my luggage before, so I didn’t know what to expect. I did have the presence of mind while booking my plane ticket to ask what would be required to get grandpa on the plane. After a short pause, I was told that all I would need is his death certificate and/or cremation certificate.  By some miracle, my mom had both of these pieces of paper and scanned them then emailed them to me.

I get to the airport, put my purse and shoes in a bin at the security station and lay my carry-on bag on the belt to be x-rayed.  With my boarding pass in one hand and grandpa’s paperwork in the other, I walk through the scanner.  On the other side, I display my best non-threatening smile (minimal teeth, maximum dimples) and get ready to explain that the large brass cube in my bag will not explode.

The TSA agent took one look at my bag on the monitor, yawned, and sent it on its way without a word.

My first thought was, “Are you kidding me? My grandmother’s slightly soggy diaper was treated like a pound of C4 explosive by the TSA, but a heavy, metal box doesn’t get a second glance?” Maybe it’s common to travel with dead relatives these days.

My second thought was, “This is going to make a really boring blog post.” I wrote the post anyway.  Sorry.

Well, I’d rather have a boring blog post than get my family on CNN.  Again.

Grandpa was a cop. He could have shown those TSA whippersnappers a thing or twenty.

One housekeeping note: My WordPress blog reader suddenly doesn’t want to display any of the WP blogs that I subscribe to. Yesterday evening, I went through and checked to get email updates whenever any of you post from now on, however, I have no way to know if you posted while I was out last week. I want to try to catch up on my blog reading, but I don’t know if it will be possible.  If you posted anything particularly brilliant and/or hilarious in the past six days please include a link in the comments and I’ll be sure to check it out.  Thank you.

 

you know it’s gonna be an interesting week when CNN calls your mom

I’m afraid this post isn’t going to be full of my usual humor.  There just isn’t a whole lot that’s funny about the following situation. 

For a few years, my grandma has escaped the harsh Michigan winters by living with my mom in Florida from December through March.  About a year ago, March rolled around and my mom didn’t take grandma back home.  At 94, she was just not able to live in her condo anymore even with help.  My mom wanted grandma to live with her until she made a final decision as to where she would like to spend her last days (she has leukemia and her health has gradually declined over the last few years). 

Well, grandma eventually decided that she wanted to go back to Michigan.  Her younger brother (her only living sibling) is also ill and she wants to be with him.  Her niece agreed to let grandma live with her until she finds a nursing home that she likes. 

Last Saturday, my mom took grandma to the airport for her flight back home to Michigan.  My mom’s history with airports is comically horrible, but even she never expected what was to happen next.

Because my grandma was in a wheelchair, she was stopped at the security checkpoint.  They searched the chair and they gave my grandma a pat-down.  During the pat-down the security screener felt something they couldn’t identify and they took my grandma away to a room for a more extensive search.  My mom was not allowed to go in the room with her.  Grandma can’t hear very well  and my mom had no idea if the security personnel were sufficiently explaining to her what was happening. 

Eventually, my mom was told that they needed to inspect my grandma’s adult diaper. My mom became very upset and started crying.  Apparently crying is cause for alarm and triggers certain security protocols, so my mom was searched as well. 

After the diaper was removed, they finally determined that my 95-year-old grandma wasn’t a threat to national security and they let her board the plane. 

My mom went home and filed a complaint with the Department of Homeland Security. 

That complaint let to this article in the Panama City News Herald. 

Which led to a live phone interview with CNN Sunday.  And another phone interview on Monday.  You can read the CNN article and watch the video here. 

My mom has also been contacted by Good Morning America, the Associated Press, MSNBC and Fox News.  She had absolutely no idea that her one complaint would trigger this level of media attention.  Grandma’s name has not been released to the media, so luckily, she doesn’t know about all the hub-bub.  She would probably think it’s ridiculous and have no idea why people all over the country are talking about her.  She’s doing well and is getting settled into her new home. 

I’m really sorry that my grandma’s 15 minutes of fame has to be about something as unsavory as this.  She was a nurse for 60+ years and devoted her life to taking care of other people.  She is a wonderful woman whom I love so very dearly. 

At the time of this posting, I am en route to Florida with my husband and two dogs to spend a week with my mom.  This vacation was planned before all hell broke loose, but the timing is fortunate.  My mom has been swamped with phone calls and emails.  She asked if I will be her PR Director during my visit. 

Yeah.  Me.  Snarky-ass, tattooed zombie girl.  In charge of PR. 

Okay, I lied.  This post has a little humor in it.